Hope for today

I woke this morning more hopeful than I had all week. I'm not sure why, maybe it was the grief, maybe it was the journaling, or maybe it was just the goodness of God.

I've processed all I can. I've prayed and released as much has humanly possible. I have chosen to let go trusting God, struggled with accepting His will, asking the why's, then letting them go as I realized deeper and deeper that the why's never matter. Acceptance and walking out that acceptance is what matters.

I had an interview Wednesday and yesterday I got a call from her asking if I wanted to apply for a position with Google. They are looking for people exactly like me. Recent graduates, varied background, government experience and a solid GPA. I would be a shoe in. It pays well, the company is notorious for taking care of their employees and the opportunities would be endless. Basically an all around win-win situation.

Except its in Mt. View... and that's one hell of a commute.

Another move, another choice to make.

Its a great decision for me. It's a great new start, new place, new opportunity and to be honest, I'm excited, except I still struggle with such a change of mind and its a little frightening.

The acceptance has to walk hand in hand with the belief in the Lord. The landscape changed as I had known it, but change it did. As I sit and watch it morph in front of me with a speed I didn't know was possible, I realize once again, the only choice I have is to put one foot in front of the other and continue walking forward. I can't plan any more than one step at a time. Today, I say yes to the next step and leaving the past in the past.

Tomorrow the sun will rise, the moon will fall and autumn will still shine through as my favorite time of year. I will still be breathing, living, growing and trusting. The earth will still be turning and God will still be God. I may not feel the most joy and excitement in this new path, but I know that will come with time. I know in a day it will be better, and then in a week still yet better, and in a month, still even better. That's the God I serve. A God of healing, newness and hope, even if for now I am just hoping for hope.

I can change nothing, and maybe I wouldn't, but all I know is I can only play the hand that is dealt me. For now I will apply for the job, not knowing what will happen. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. Maybe I will move, maybe I won't. Who knows. I have no idea what the next few weeks, days and months may bring, but that's okay. I've never really known before and that has never stopped life from still happening.

I'm okay. I'm doing okay. Todays going to be a good day, and so is tomorrow. No matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. Letting go of the fear helps me release control and in that, I find my greatest peace. Hope will come as I continue to let go, move on and watch the Lord unfold a different path. He has never let me down and I know He won't now. There is blessing and joy and hope enough for today and there will still yet be more tomorrow.

I am not perfect, and never will be, but I can't control that either. Though I grieve bad decisions and mistakes I've made, they don't take away the ability for the Lord to bless and continue to be near. I can walk forward knowing I'm forgiven and loved. I'm a work in progress and mistakes, sorrows, joys and everything else in between is part of that work in progress.

Everything has changed and maybe that's part of the greatness. I can admit what I did wrong and see it for what it is, knowing, I will never go back and do it that way again. It cost too much and I grieve that. But as Paul said, we don't grieve as non-believers. I may have done it wrong before, but I know I will never return to that default again. I've been marked, scarred by His love and discipline and I'm thankful. There will be grace in abundance today and tomorrow. That's what redemption is and that's what I have to believe in; a redemption and grace bigger than my mistakes.

I guess that's why I'm so hopeful today. I know, without a doubt, how great God is. He has given me today to trust Him with, and tomorrow will be tomorrow. I don't get to know, and I don't need to. I have grace for today and that's enough. Tomorrow everything could change again. Or the day after that, or the day after that. And that's okay, because God will still be God and I will still be me and He's not going to let me go. That's what makes it so okay to move forward. Everything is going to be okay because... well, it just is.