For months, I have spiraled, suffered, fretted, spent hours drowning in my own makeshift craft of sadness, waiting, pleading, begging God to do something. I ranted, raved, pounded, cried, did everything I could, then gave up. I doubted, I raged, I questioned, mourned and worried about everything and anything I could, especially the Lord. And faithful ones, you waited with me. You read, cried, argued and struggled with me. Whether it was through word, comment or presence, you were apart of a journey and though it has not ended, the newest chapter has been revealed and I could not leave you out of my joy.
That's right, my joy.
I walked back to a friends house tonight, listening to worship music, fairly walking on air, smiling from ear to ear, laughing at the wind, smiling and giggling like the school girls I passed. I was drunk on joy and hope in a way I hadn't felt in years. I cried, and for the first time in so long, it was out of joy.
How can I explain in a few short paragraphs (although I am NEVER short in word), what God has done? How can I explain a miracle? I guess I'll try. As I write this, I laugh and cry once as I hear the words to my favorite song play over and over: All my hopes in You. My strength, my song... over and over it plays just like that. Perfect. Perfect.
I stood in front of the Capital tonight, cherry blossoms intoxicating, the humid air clinging to my hair, frizzing it to no end. My feet hurt from the walking and my coat was itchy around my neck, a slight perspiration from the humidity forming around my neck. No one was around me, most were in Chinatown, Adams Morgan, Downtown, Cap Hill or H Street, passing the night in bars and clubs, seen and being seen. I, however, had been pulled like a magnet toward the most powerful place in the world. I stared, mesmerized by the splendor of the dome, lit up like a Christmas tree in the middle of the dead of night. Taller than any other building around it, it stands stark against the night sky, as though it knows the secrets it keeps, flaunting the power, the prestige. I felt the power, the magnitude of the fame and fortune that walked in and out of the steps at any given point. The history, the presence and the gleeful inspiration tugged at my heart seducing my thoughts into a moment of delightful inspiration, wondering what I could do, knowing, if I truly wanted them, I could hold the keys to the kingdom. Not in arrogance, but purely in awareness, there is a part of me that knows, it knows that if I wanted to, I could harness the talents, the knowledge and the good ol' fashion legwork and I could climb, scrape and scratch my way to the top. I could smile, wink, shrug and charm my way into the highest of heights. Thoughts swirl and sway me, as though I have been in the desert for 40 days and bread is being offered, I am tempted to eat and be satisfied, to partake and engineer, to structure, plan and manipulate whatever is necessary. The light of the dome seems so powerful against such a black backdrop and I could be apart of it... And it's tempting....
But then I wake up. Something shakes me from my reverie and I look around me. The fountain's noise brings me back to a solid reality. I look to my left and I see the bend that would lead to 2nd and G. Ebenezer's. It's the home of National Community Church. A beautiful place, full of beautiful people, seeing God's beautiful miracles. When I was lost, hurting, scared and restless, I sought something of truth and found it there. It was a home away from home. It is full of the peace of the Holy Spirit and I just I felt the provocative sense of power, I felt an equally powerful sense of peace, place and joy there. I felt Him there and all of the sudden I knew. I knew what had been forming in me for years, months, and now had come to a climactic end in a few weeks.
I loved the purpose of being apart of something bigger than me, but I hated the politics. I loved feeling as though what I was doing was meaningful, but I hated feeling as though it meant nothing in the end. I loved feeling as though I was making a difference, but I didn't like what the difference was.
My heart is full, my spirit hopeful, my life peaceful when I stop searching and start living, not in any kingdom, but in His Kingdom. I can't always explain it, but what I seek, the passion I have, it never means anything unless it is spinning, surging, pushing and aspiring within the only framework that matters: His.
I love excitement. I love thinking, I love being, driving, pushing, starting, searching, hoping, working, creating, encouraging, desiring and loving, but only when it matters for the things that matter and to me, what matters is Jesus. I sat staring at the building that houses some of the most powerful people in the world and all I could think about was taking what I seen and learned back to a little church with little people, with big vision. No Congressman, Senator, President or Speaker could touch the power of a God that could take me from despair to excitement in the space of 13 days. They could pass laws, enact treaties, decide on a budget, but what really shakes my world is a God that can meet me anywhere anytime and change my mind. You can change my taxes, but you can't change my heart. Only a truly powerful God can do that. Screw your earmarks, I want miracles. No turning back, I've made up my mind, I'm giving all of my life this time.
But it all had to be put to rest. I had to come back here. I had to face this place, this time in my life, I had to have everything redefined. This demon had to be slayed. I had to know I had made a decision and it was good. I needed to own it. I needed to say goodbye. Unfinished business does not sit well with me. It never has and it never will. Luckily, I serve a God that leaves nothing unfinished, no question unanswered.
I loved DC. It awaked me. It gave me vision, it gave me the ability to believe in more than just a simple life, what I didn't know until now is those things follow me. No life is simple unless we simplify it. No vision has to be small unless we narrow it. I go back to CA not to a simple quiet life, but instead to an excitement of what God wants to do. I go with the same feeling, watching an ink black sky frame a dome, as I do when I walk into the warehouse that holds my church family. The power of God, the blessings of His miracles, they know no geographical boundaries, they are only bound by what we contain them in.
So I ran the opposite direction. Or maybe I skipped, I can't remember, but I can remember worshipping, smiling, laughing and crying with joy as I felt the inspiration, the peace, the excitement.... the hope. I was set free. The past was the past. As good and bad as it has been, it has shaped, formed and scarred me as purposed. I take with me the crazy desire for the horizon He first placed in me when I arrived here back to CA. It just settled into a rock solid purpose. It hardened and gelled without me realizing into wanting to see the power of God come to my home, my valley, my church. My stubbornness now has a place it can grow, express and formulate itself and I am so excited.
I get all the vision of DC without the politics. And for once, the old Sara, the real Sara, the true one, the one I know and love is coming back out. The passion, the joy, the confidence, it was all there, it was just being shaped, ripped and reformed. Now it knows where it belongs. Now I have the confidence in my decision, my place. Now I can root, place, settle and grow. I had been so restless for so long, wondering where I belonged and finally, with a peace that surpasses understanding, I am ready. I am more than ready to go and capture the vision Jesus has for home.
Praise You! You crazy, ruthless, brilliant, insatiable, creative, loving, hopefully practical Jesus!!!! How good you are to this arrogant, hopeless mess. My heart is bent to Your powerful love and care. You have broken me to heal me, You have rendered me to restore me and You have scarred me to remind me. I carry You in my heart, Lover. You are my reason, my life, my peace and comfort. I dedicate me to You in the craziness of it all. In awareness of how illogical this all is, You are my logic, where I finally have found the place where I belong: in You. Let's go home. I love You.
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