Circular Thinking

Have you ever come to the end of a journey and feel as though all you did was circle back around?

I spent the evening walking around downtown DC. I had come back from looking at an apartment in Alexandria and basically had a panic attack. I couldn't figure out why. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I jumping for joy?

I called my dad and started crying. Immediately. I can't explain it, but sometimes life feels as though you are forcing a square peg into a round hole and at this moment, that is EXACTLY how I feel.

I'm 26 years old. That not necessarily young, but it's also not old, but it does however, make excuses no longer applicable. I realized part of me was crying because the dream and idealism of youth was dying. I no longer have the privilege of walking around free and clear feeling as though there are no responsibilities, no decisions necessary. The world is no longer out on the horizon, but rather I'm living it and no longer on someone else's dime. What I truly want out of life, what truly matters, what I truly want to invest in, that's what is starting to count now. I feel it. I feel it deep in my heart. I feel the urge, the need, the pressure to no longer waste time on frivolous motives, but instead, settle into a life that is doing what I actually want, or at least pursuing it.

The hard part is, of course, finding what that is. I moved out to DC thinking this position would be the answer. This place, recapturing some of that illusive freedom and excitement would bring me the peace, the optimism, the hope for something more. Then I got here and I realized... I don't want more.

It's hard to realize I don't actually care about how much potential I have. I have spent my whole life hearing people say, "You are going to do such great things!" I don't know why people have decided to say those things to me, or whether or not it's something everyone hears and I just took it to heart, but for some reason, this phrase, this sentiment, this belief, has somehow burrowed it's way into my head and heart giving me a sense of failure if I decide that chasing the great rainbow of fame, fortune or power is somehow living a less than life.

Can I be honest for a moment? Before I left on Monday, the happiest time I have had in the last year, was sitting at home after my dad bBQ'd with two of my best friends, my family and my ex. We talked, laughed and drank wine for hours. We were more entertained by each other, than we were by anything else. Music wasn't needed, atmosphere wasn't needed, nothing was needed besides the ingredients of love and laughter. My heart was so full, my head so happy, my greatest desires so satisfied. There was not one event, not one moment of great historical significance that could compare. It was pure heaven for me. And I left it.

I won't lie, there is a piece of me that worries the sudden appearance of my ex has something to do with the way I feel. And maybe it does, but not in the way I or anyone else really would think. The sudden reemergence of him brought back something more than just my love for him, it brought back the reminder of what really makes me tick.

My heart is most satisfied when it is engaged in relationship. I am most happy, satisfied and fulfilled when I am loving those near me. I may not always do it perfectly, I may not always be the best at it, but at the root of who I am, that is what brings me the greatest sense of significance, hope, meaning and satisfaction. Yeah, it's true, apparently the one thing I fought against the most, is the one I now feel most desirous of: I actually want to be a soccer mom. The only world I want to change, is mine. Holy shit. Yes, I said it. And I meant it. And if you know me, you know how weird that is to hear from my mouth... or hand. In truth, it's sort of hard to admit, but it's also freeing. Who I am has been something I have been fighting, and I think it took me coming back out here to face it.

DC was great, when I was younger and needed a chance to find myself again. This isn't home though. This is a great place where I started to find myself. The other part of me I think I always knew was there, but didn't feel as though I could admit. There is almost a sense of shame attached to letting go of dreams of grandeur, especially when you know they could have been fulfilled. But I guess, that's all in the perspective. Maybe to me, what is grandeur to some, is something different to me.

I want a honda, or maybe my 2006 Acura. I don't need a mercedes, or a Lexus. I want a warm home, where people want to laugh, love each other or cry when needed. Not a $1.5 million row house in Georgetown. I want a warn in couch with a TV that is set to record House, not a finely upholstered setee with a channel always tuned to CNN.

Yes, I have energy, I have passion, I have drive, but when those are what I listen to, when those are what is being utilized while my heart is on the back burner, they fizzle, fade and send me circling down the drain of sadness and loss of wonder. To me, beauty is found in the faces of those I love, coffee with a friend, a late night conversation with my mom, talking to my nephew about girls. My heart soars when I sit down at my computer, log on and spill my heart to a few people I know read and somehow, it touches them.

When my ex and I broke up, I watched myself circle the drain because I thought much of me went with him. Loving him woke up something in me that changed the course of my life. Whether I like it or not, the great love I had/have for him made me realize that whatever career or vocation I chase, I would never be satisfied without using the most important part of me: my heart. My priorities changed, my direction was shifted and my desires more defined than ever. Whatever he is to me now, or will be in the future, loving him forever changed me. For that I will always be grateful.

And to be even more honest, I have to admit, the decision to leave CA had a lot to do with wanting that to not be true. I wanted to believe that if I couldn't have the life I discovered I really wanted (family, community, kids, a home), than I could find a way to be satisfied with something else, career, vocation, politics. I had no idea how wrong I would be. I got here and immediately felt the hole in my heart gape even wider. Trying to fit myself into the youthful ideals I once held just doesn't fit anymore. It's too late. I've already been tainted, I hate it hear. Not because it's awful, but because I don't want to settle here. I wouldn't mind this being temporary, but I find myself having panic attacks thinking of setting down roots. I won't sign a lease, I won't bring out my car (even though it's packed and ready), I won't even accept a new phone number for my blackberry. It's just not home here. I'm sure I could make it home, I just don't know if that's what I really want.

So now, the question is, what do I do from here? Do I just shove my crap back in my bag and hop on the next plane home? Why not? Because I don't want to make another rash decision. Or maybe because I'm afraid of pissing off my current boss, or maybe it's because I don't want to admit defeat (although I don't know what defeat really is) or maybe it's because I'm afraid to go back to not having a job, or maybe because I also don't know what I want to do if I go home. Don't get me wrong, I want to go home. Badly, but now, I just watched myself make a bad decision rashly. Is that what I want to do again?

And the real question: What is Jesus asking of me? I know He will support me in whatever I do, but I am chagrin to admit that I am not quite sure I invited Him into this decision, so now I know I need to make Him the decider in this one. I'm praying I'll hear. I'm praying I will get what I need and know what is right. I'm praying the decision I make will be the for good one. The one that doesn't have to keep being repeated. I'm praying for once, I will be settled in my spirit and know I'm following the only one that matters: the Father.