I need to relax. No, seriously, I need to relax. I need to learn how to let go. Why does everything with me need to be so damn HUGE all of the time? When did I forget to stop and just not care?
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about being "aware' but I think somewhere along the way, I mixed up being aware with being obsessed. When did I stop being fun-loving Sara and start being high strung Sara, and why? Wait a minute, wait a minute... see, it's seductive, that over-analysis. I almost did it again.
I'm going to turn my A-Personality type into a B personality type by using all the energy and drive of the A personality to learn how to freakin chill. That's right, I'm going to mind-eff myself. It's going to be the catch-22 of a lifetime. Over the last few years, somehow every little thing has starting to mean everything. Every decision, every move, everyone else's decisions, everyone else's moves; there was always some hidden meaning or agenda. It could never just be because. I stopped being able to go get beers to just chill and not have to say anything, or when I do talk to people, not talk about something serious all the time. I have completely forgotten how to have a conversation that didn't have to do with something deep and meaningful. I've over inundated myself with analysis and second guessing to the point where I can barely move. I'm basically no fun at all. I feel bad for those I have subjected myself to. You are faithful friends.
See this is why I can never work in politics. Because in politics, there actually ARE hidden meanings in everything.
I have no balance, no compass for when things should be serious and when they should be just fun. I have a very limited ability to "shelf" things and just ride it out. Which is ironic, since when I left my ex husband, I did that exceedingly well for 6 months. And then again when I was living at home after I moved back from So Cal. What happened? Oh well, I guess that question is sort of pointless.
I've been so obsessed with my own ability to be "deep" or "authentic" I let arrogance cloud the fact that I was hamstringing my own life. There is no point to being deep if you can not enjoy your life. Then you become some obscure French philosopher that dies of an overdose of heroine. If I can't put aside the stressors, the difficulties and enjoy the moments I have, if I am always second guessing, stressing and fretting over the next step, the next moment, the next heartbreak, I'm going to sabotage the ability for me to enjoy now.
It's not easy though, I feel the anxiety build even as I say this. I used to be able to let go and know things would turn out, now I fear every what if. I do wonder though, if only to escape back into old habit patterns for a moment, am I really fearful because of the pain, or am I fearful I won't be able to handle it? Am I fearful of the messages the awful situations I am avoiding send me and others?
Case in point: moving home. I know, I know, we've been over this. Hear me out though. Am I really scared of the reality of going home and having to resort to something like waitressing, or bartending, or going back into retail because they really are that bad? Or am i just afraid that I've failed somehow? Or worse yet, that others will see me as a failure?
The point is, if I'm okay with something, if I'm not worried about me or my ability to live, keep moving and keep trying, then what am I really afraid of? What is it the most that drives me to have to justify every thought, understand everyone else, or even care? So what? If I know who I am, and am comfortable with that, what else matters?
In Micah it says, "What does God require of man but to act kindly, do justice and walk humbly with your God?" That's a pretty simple formula. What else matters? Love your God, love others, let the rest worry about the rest. So what if someone doesn't want to be friends or a lover leaves? I mean I know those things hurt, but are they really about me, or are they really just the circumstances of life colliding with unneeded insecurity? Does every thing have to really mean everything? If things don't work out at home, if my ex never wants to talk to me again... again, if my friends all desert me, if I end up poor and on the streets, if I gain back every pound and become a fat cat lady... okay that's really depressing... point being, if everything turns out to the absolute worst it could... so what? My life would still have all the value in the world, my home in heaven would still be there waiting, my cloud of witnesses would still be cheering on and the cross would still be complete. And besides all of that, which is amazing enough, whatever stays the same? So what if it all happens? Is it doomed to stay that way? Or since everything has the chance to change for the worse, doesn't it also have the chance to change for the better?
Maybe the important thing isn't what happens; it's that I don't fear what could happen. Maybe it's about not worrying so much, and living more. Maybe it's about taking the time to enjoy what I do have. I may not be miss popularity, but I have some friends that I know are solid, beautiful, encouraging people I would give my left arm for. I may not have the leave it to Beaver family, but I do have a mother who adores me, a father who still calls me his little girl, a sister that I actually enjoy spending time with and love, and a brother that is one of my favorite people in the world. I may not have the dream job, but I know I'll pull through and my relationship (or un-relationship) with the man I love may be a little harder than before right now, but I still enjoy him. I still get to know what it feels like to love, however hard it may be at times. There is so much good in my life, but if I forget about it, if I let the possibility of bad cloud the rays of joy, I'll never be satisfied, or peaceful, or happy. I'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then it will. And I will have missed what was happening right in front of me the whole time.
This will not be an easy journey. Basically I have to learn how to tone down all of my emotions, sort of like watching Spanish soap-operas mute. You know what they are feeling, but you juuuuuussst can't hear it. To be honest, I have no idea how to do this. I have no idea how to just chill, but I know I want to learn. I know I don't want to keep spinning my wheels getting stuck in the muck and mire of the disappointments and insecurities and what if's. That's going to be so hard to do. It's completely against the grain and nature of what I have been doing, well basically since I was born, but somehow, I know God wants to teach me. I mean it's basically trust, right? It's the principle that He is God, I am not, and all I can do is act kindly, do justice and walk humbly with Him. The rest is up to Him. For now though, I plan on using every available source to help me with this process. I'm going to find a counselor again (or "life-coach" as it is apparently now called), I'm going to get back into ministry and focus on people worse off than me. I'm going to find a job I actually like, pay some bills, shop with my sister, get my toes done with my mom, get coffee with friends, eat too much food, brew beer with my brother, watch House and Glee religiously, find excuses to wear my fabulous shoes, bitch about my cat's fur, maybe find a bowling league to join, worship every chance I get, obsess about my calories, read too many books on theology, probably get another tattoo and remember to stop caring about every last little thing, and instead, love every last little minute
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