Let Your Gentleness Be Known

As usual, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, but this time, it has been different. Something happened when I went to DC and came back. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. I heard it once said that the best way to get over a fear, is to experience that very fear. As if facing it, then coming back, or surviving, or even getting better, takes away that fear.

As I look back on the last few years of my life, the worst possible things have come true, and yet, not only have I survived, I have thrived. Though it didn't feel like it, I did. My relationship with the Lord grew, my respect for myself grew and my awareness of love, grace and humility tripled. I guess failing with blinding clarity will do that. I guess at some point, all you can do is look back and almost laugh. It is almost laughable. I mean seriously? I hate hearing people say what ever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I think it's so trite, but now, looking back, I realize it did kill me and I'm glad it did.

I lost friends, lovers, jobs, respect, personal items, was cheated, made a fool, torn apart, made bad decisions, made good decisions, doubted, raged, loved, cried, and done it all with an almost manic flair. And all of it, all of it circled back around to one thing: no matter what, the God that rules the earth is my Savior. He loves me, thinks I am worth the world and is in no way shape or form worried about loving me.

As my heart has started to calm, as my thoughts have started to gather, as peace has started to settle deep within, bringing a more than superficial smile back to my tired face, I realize the very fears I battle with, no longer seem to have the same power they once did. The deep anxiety I had been holding somewhere between my stomach and chest is loosening. The mix of living in unpredictability is losing some of it's overwhelming unrest. There is so much I can't control, but so much I can. And maybe that is the real lesson. I don't have control over what happens, but I do have control over who I want to be, who I am and to whom I belong.

Maybe it's the trick of commitment. When I was in DC, for as brief a moment is was, I was blinded by how no geography was going to make everything okay. There was no place I was going to run that was going to solve my problems. I take with me all that makes me, me, where ever I am. The way I make decisions, the way I live, that doesn't change based on a different time zone. I wasn't going to find peace hiding in a different corner of the world. That, I was going to have to find in some corner of me. That was more intimidating than anything. It wasn't going to come from easy outside source. I was going to have to stop, turn around and face the hardest part of living: standing still. When I did that, I realized, even though I grew up somewhere, that doesn't mean I have to leave it to find what I want. I was going to have dig my heels in, put some roots down and fight for the life I want. I was going to have start making the decisions that effect tomorrow, today.

So I came home. And if you haven't noticed, when I make a decision, it's full guns blazing. I came home with a three-point plan and I was damn well going to put it into play. I was going to MAKE it happen and it was going to happen RIGHT NOW. I guess it doesn't take long to realize, not everything happens overnight. Sometimes the very things we want are the very things that take the qualities I struggle with: patience, quiet, lack of control and freedom. There is only so much I can do. Some things just take time.

So I find myself in the very place I have spent a lifetime avoiding: the in between. I'm waiting for everything. I'm waiting to hear about jobs, I'm waiting to start the community I want, I'm waiting for the opportunity to move forward in the right way. I'm waiting to see what is going to happen in so many ways, knowing in my heart, God has me right where He wants me. And in these moments of waiting, the miracle is in knowing He will provide everything necessary to live life the exact way He has called me to: joyfully and peacefully. Just because I'm waiting, doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride. Miracles don't always look like circumstances changing, sometimes the miracle is in knowing joy is now a possibility. That's what His death and resurrection did. It made Joy and Peace an option and to me, in this place, that is a true miracle.

There are very few things I can control, but what I can control becomes the most important things. I have the ability to make my own choices. Aware of the risks, the pain that comes with the inevitability of life, knowing things will be hard, those choices are mine and how I conduct myself in them is the most important part. In Phil. 4:4-7, one of my favorite part is where it says "Rejoice in the Lord always.... Let your gentleness be known... the Lord is near.... Be anxious for nothing.... and the peace of God will guard your hearts..."

We pass over that part so easily. "Let your gentleness be known... the Lord is near" It struck me. What a vulnerable statement. What a promise. In the face of insecurity, I can let my gentleness be known and KNOW the Lord is near. I can stay exposed to the harshness of reality, remaining soft and open, being confident in the presence, the knowledge of God. He is near and He tells me to request of Him and His peace will guard the very gentle heart He says to let be known.

Whatever decisions I make, when I make them in confidence, when I make them in peace, when I know who I am and I let that be known, when I let my gentleness in peace be known, I can request of the Lord and know full well He is near, and will guard me. His peace will guard me.

I think about that a lot when I think of loving someone. How often do we seek to gain control over another to ensure their love? I know it's something I have struggled with. After failing about a million times, and it costing me dearly, I am beginning to see how this is meant to play out. I can control no one, but I know I can control me. I can decide to love someone, be it friend, relative, stranger or lover and feel the anxiety that comes with becoming vulnerable, allow that to be seen, then go to the Lord and ask for His peace to guard me... and it does. My heart and it's desires are far more important to Him than they are to me. His death and resurrection are proof of that, so why would He withhold His joy and peace from me as I seek to love the way He has told me? Insecurity starts to lose it's power when I look at life from this perspective. If I choose to do something, be it love, moving, or just doing my hair in a crazy way, when I do it in gentleness, in peace, in confidence, nothing else matters. He will guard my heart and I can stop worrying. Even when that love is rejected, or the move is hard, or the hair falls flat, there is no shame in who I am, what I am, and Who's I am. There is no regret in that. There is no fear in that. I have already lost greatly and survived, I am beginning to learn how to love in the face of fear, live in the face of failure and stand still in the midst of anxiety. So if those things are possible, what is there really to worry about? And if I can still be relaxing two weeks after the initial revelation, then the miracle of His resurrection is proved ever more.

I guess Frankie was right.