We were discussing something and she started to get really frustrated with me saying "Stop lecturing me. You're talking at me and I don't really care..."
I hung up the phone in frustration, then one by one, the bricks of my thoughts tumbled down. So this is what he was talking about....
All of the sudden, the pieces fit into place. I had seen it before slightly cloudy, but now it made sense in a sort of way that broke my heart and freed me at the same time. My motives. It was all about my motives. I thought back to the past two and a half years, everything I had been saying in the last months, the complaints and hurts I had over the break-up, the way he treated me, the way I didn't get what I need, the way I lost, yada, yada, yada and on and on.
I had realized it a few times before, but I guess in the face of real loss you can't change, you can't manipulate, you can't make different, pointing the finger at someone else no longer matters. Now its just about you and how you got from beauty, to such ugliness. No longer is there someone to argue against. It's just you and your own mess. I didn't want to admit it for so long. If I did, I would have to admit my own part in the horrible loss I was experiencing. That was almost too painful for words.
I never realized how destructive selfish love could be. When it's all about me, what I need, what I didn't get... there is no room for anyone else to be themselves. Now it's just about taking, needing, wanting, pulling and grasping at straws to get people to see it my way. Every time they open up, it's another opportunity for me to agree with them and tell them why they are so wrong, bad and need to do it my way. They need to see it my way, I mean if they don't, they might not get it, they might not understand and then if they don't, I might actually lose this thing, this love, this relationship that I have come to want, desire and need so badly. They have to see it my way, they just have to. Like squeezing the air out of a life-raft, I am left standing with a deflated piece of plastic that was supposed to be a craft of life-saving proportions. But instead of breathing life into it, I sucked it all out.
In my pursuit of happiness, I had forgotten that happiness is an illusion. Love, friendship, these were the relationships that I was supposed to sacrifice for, they weren't supposed to be about giving me what I needed. They were about having an opportunity to believe the best about another, even when it hurt me. Joy and happiness come from a different place, but I chased after them outside of the realm I could control (myself) and tried to force the hand... to make myself happy. I once read that pressure kills love. No kidding. I had to be right, I had to rub it in and I had to point out the flaws. My happiness was more important than someone else's heart.
I guess that's why we always feel so loved by Jesus. His love is powerful, but never forced. There is always a choice as to whether or not it is accepted, moving freely in and out as you open yourself up to it more and more. He is never threatened when it isn't validated, when His real heart isn't seen. He isn't threatened when we question his motives, when we toss Him aside and then come back apologizing. He knows who He is and nothing we can say or do will change that. His joy comes from within Himself and we get the choice of whether or not to participate. He loves out of a sacrifice of wanting the best for us rather than for His own gain. He sacrifices His happiness (our nearness, our love, a relationship) in return for loving us through giving us choice and freedom. He knows the only way we really know love, is when it is a sacrificial love.
Woefully, I fell so short, I fell to the end of destroying and losing. I was threatened when the happiness and the love weren't perfect, so I dove in, rather than releasing out of my love for the other. Instead of sacrificing my happiness, I tried to protect my own comfort, desires, what I wanted and needed, what validated me and my life, what felt good to me, rather than seeing the others' heart as just as important as mine. Jesus takes the risk, putting Himself out there, loving us, not requiring it in return. I required in return and it backfired. He ended up feeling used, beat up, not good enough, like he was just never going to be what I needed. Oh Lord, how awful. I never felt that way, but selfishness has the ability to tell a different story.
How many times will I lose before I realize how much destruction a selfish heart can bring? I pray not so much more, but in reality, who knows. I never thought it could end like this, but then again, I shouldn't be surprised at the power of sin and selfishness. Lord knows the only antidote to such a mind steeped in self-protection and "me" thinking is a life of heart sacrifice and humility towards others.
Ironically that is exactly what I fell in love with about him, but now, years later it is finally sinking in. I wish that I could have understood all this earlier, that I could have seen it before it was too late, but then again, something tells me I never would have. The lesson would never would have had the impact. Having him there would have somehow always softened the blow, never making me really see what I needed to to really change. I'm just so sorry it cost him so much. I'm so sorry it cost me so much.
For once I'm not pointing the finger for any other reason than just wanting to do it different next time. Or maybe even tomorrow with those that I love now. I've stopped blaming others and have found seeking my comfort will never bring it, but will only destroy those in my path.
I don't know fully how to do this yet, how to live this out, how to shut my mouth and not need to be right, to be heard, to be validated all the time, but instead to sacrifice my tongue, my needs, my desires to be humble and loving. I don't know fully how to do it, but I do know I need to, I want to. I want to listen and speak less, to be slow to anger, not taking everything personally, to close my mouth when I want to argue a point and instead listen for the others heart, to really be quiet and just sit, being willing to put my own life on hold to be with others. To not prove points, to encouraging rather than discouraging, to be hopeful instead of forceful, to be patient rather than expecting.
I pray one day I will learn how to do it in relationship with another. I pray I will learn how to sacrifice for them while at the same time being wise and cautious. I pray I will be mature enough to sacrifice, but not stupid. I guess that would be the principle of "wise a serpent and gentle as a dove."
It gets complicated when you love someone and they mean the world to you, but I guess that's when it becomes all the more important. I was at once empowered and scared of the love offered and it was a heady mix, bypassing the awareness of what love really is and gripped me so tightly, when the loss of it was threatened, I went straight for the jugular. I pray one day I won't do that, that the Lord will still see fit to give me another chance to know that kind of passionate love with someone and I will know how to release in the midst of it. I pray He doesn't give up on me now.
For now though, it's faithful with little and hopefully I will be faithful with much. Older, wiser, more scarred and sobered, I pray the markings left on my heart will keep me from chasing happiness and remembering to sacrifice instead. I pray my mistakes don't haunt me, or him for the rest of our lives, but instead will be the markings of a Father that disciplines those He loves, bringing life instead.
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