Defenses

I have spent a lifetime creating and maintaining a defense system that worked fairly well. A whole system of thinking, of being, of viewing others that kept me safe. This was good, this was bad, this was in between. I liked this, I didn't like this, I wanted this, I didn't want this. This person needed to be this way or it meant they weren't what they should be. I needed to be a certain way, or it meant I wasn't what I should be. Categories for people, places and things. Black and white, everything under a heading, making sense of the chaos. The bad was because I was bad, the good was because I was good. If you were good you were rewarded by me, if you were bad, you were punished by me, all in a thousand little subtle and not so subtle ways. Everything was packaged neatly, presented with care and precision.

Then in one fell swoop, or maybe a series of swoops, everything changes. Something bad, or good happens with no explanation, no warning, no real reason. Promises are broken good behavior no longer earns the gold star and there is nothing left to hang my hat on for understanding, dissection or order to the chaos. Nothing works anymore. I don't work anymore. The play by play to guarantee an outcome has failed and left me more broken than before. No longer do the same rules apply. In fact, no rules apply.

Everything I judged the world, myself and others by disappears in one maddening moment. How is it all possible? How do you make sense of this chaos, this terror in the night? Job says: "Look at me and be astonished, and put your hand over your mouth. Even when I remember I am disturbed, and horror takes hold of my flesh. Why do the wicked still live, continue on and also become very powerful? Their descendants are established with them in their sight, and their offspring before their eyes, their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God on them." (Job 21:5-9)

Job had been faithful. He had made sacrifices for himself, for his children, for things he couldn't even think of. He held to the path, he obeyed. He feels the injustice deeply in his soul. Nothing was making sense. Where were the promises? Everything was in a deep chaos, a deep loss he couldn't comprehend. Tossed back and forth from one torment to the next. "I have not departed from the command of his lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. But He is unique and who can turn Him? And what His soul desires, that He does." (Job 23:13&14)

Job lost everything for no apparent reason. If it had just been his children, there would have been no deviation from understanding that the wicked are dealt with justly. If had just been his wealth, praising God would be easy in the pain, at least his sacrifices for himself and his sons. If had just been his health, well he had lived a long life and still, there would have been comfort. But everything, every last thing is taken from him. He loses his family, his wealth, this health and his stature in the community. He had been blessed by God, where is the wisdom of somehow taking away everything from a faithful man? It would seem odd by the Lord to not bless a man who so rightly deserved to be blessed among men. Isn't that what God looks like?

His way of understanding the world, God and himself is gone. There seems to be no justice. He can no longer rely on the fruit of his faithfulness. He can no longer trust the action of sacrifices offered. God has left the box of the understandable and that, that is the most painful of all. "As I was in the prime of my days, when the friendship of God was over my tent; when the Almighty was yet with me, and my children were around me; when my steps were bathed in butter and the rock poured out for me streams of oil!" (Job 29:4-6) "I cry out to You for help, but You do not answer me; I stand up and You turn Your attention against me. You have become cruel to me; with the might of Your hand You persecute me. You life me up to the wind and caused me to ride; and you dissolve me in a storm.... When I expected good, then evil came; when I wanted for the light, then darkness came. I am seething within and cannot relax; days of affliction confront me." (Job 30:20-22, 26&27)

He makes no excuses for himself, or for the Lord. This is the way it is. It's more than Job can bear. No longer can he understand God. God has become cruel in His treatment of Job. There is nothing else to say, nothing else to comprehend. Where can he go from here? He makes no attempt to blaspheme God, to call Him wrong, or bad, but he calls God dangerous. Being a human and completely out of control of his own life breaks him down to a level of nothing but dirt and pain. There is nothing no where left to turn, no solace from his pain. He can't blame others, himself; every defense mechanism was gone. God was God and Job was not. That reality, in the moment of more pain than I can comprehend brought him to a depth of himself, a depth of reality, he had no idea existed. His friends argue with him consistently telling him to humble himself, that there must be something wrong he did. They tell Job God is righteous and deals with men according their actions and even though the wicked prosper, their actions go on the their children. Job scoffs at them and has no time for wasted, trite answers.

Later, after God Himself speaks to Job and his friends out of the storm, in a most surprising turn of events, the Lord speaks to the friends and says "My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends because you have not spoken of me right as My servant Job has."

God affirms the chaotic, terribleness Job has considered God with. He isn't angered with Job, He's angered with his friends. It wasn't Job's hurt, bitterness, confusion, or even his accusations of God being unjust that brings about a wrath. It's the small mindedness of Job's friends. As Job raises a fist in fury and desperate pain and longing, he is still more righteous than his friends. Job understands that if he is to attribute the blessings of his life to the Lord, than he has to attribute the pain and suffering as well. Logic is logic in Job's mind and either God is completely sovereign, encompassing ALL, or he is controllable based on a few formulaic actions of man, and those very actions have failed Job. He refuses, out of deep place of intimacy with the Lord to fight out, to wrestle, to understand. He won't settle for cheap platitudes and faulty faith. He has known the Lord this far, it's all or nothing.

It's a pure heart that Job approaches God with. Holding nothing back, ignoring no impure motive, raising every question, frustration, desire and complain to God, he beckons the Lord to come and contend with him. He wants to believe, this is his moment of crying out "I believe, help my unbelief!" He won't settle... because he can't. In that, his whole world is turned upside down. His whole belief system is shattered. Then God speaks out of a storm. Not in a whisper as with Moses, but a storm. Violent, loud and infinitely strong, he ravages Job's soul from top to bottom, with no explanation. What He does give, is honor. It's more than just chaos, it's intimacy. It's purpose and hope. It's a chance for Job to be broken, to know the meaning of true intimacy, friendship and love with the Lord. It's a moment for more than just a religion, but a fearful knowledge of the most high God. It's a perfect storm. God takes Himself out of the box, but doesn't stop there, He stakes Himself out of the box, to bring Himself back to Job.

God was honored by Job's hurt, frustration and accusations. It's not a relationship if the other's actions don't have an affect. It's only those we truly love that we have to fight through the terrible circumstances with. It's only those that we bring deep into our hearts that are worth fighting to not just stay on the surface with. Job's friends lived on the surface. Their god was controllable and understandable. Job's wasn't. Job's was frightening and unpredictable and amazing and sovereign and in control rather than being controlled. That was the God Job wanted to know. That was the God Job accused and confronted. That's a friendship. Letting everything slide, never wrestling to understand to cry out in pain when the other hurts you, never risking the answer, by never asking the questions of the other, that is not intimacy, that's false love. It's through love that God responds to Job. If there was no love, there would be no need for Him to speak back to Job. It's out of relationship that the Lord loves Job enough to answer his desperate pleas.

I can no longer keep God in the same box Job's friends tried. He is His the Lord and He is One. There is nothing I can do to understand Him, but I can beg and plead to. I can ask Him, out of the desperation of a heart wanting to have a stronger, bigger and more powerful faith to make Himself known. I can fight and wrestle the hurts, pains and struggles to the ground, watching my defenses fall with them. If I can no longer judge myself based on what blessings I may or may not receive, than there is no one that is more or less good or bad than I. No one is more or less blessed and by that loved than I. There is no black and white, no points rewards system with the Lord. My defenses fall as I break under the weight of my own religion. As I split open and everything tumbles out, my impure thoughts mix with my faithfulness creating a mess I can't decipher. I'm selfish, yet desiring of God. I am prideful, yet humbled to the core. I am ashamed, yet set free. As I see this more and more, I realize with a force, I cannot create a system of understanding. I was saved in my ugliest moments and if that's true, than the greatest blessing I can know came at a time I didn't even want it. This unpredictable God has a heart for me and even though He is terrifying, He is desiring relationship, intimacy and good for me. His heart is not for fear, but for love. If that's true, than openly stating my case to Him, begging for mercy and understanding is neither right nor wrong, but just part of my relationship with Him. It's part of His treasuring me. He desires the fight, then the surrender, the same as I do. My mixed motives of selfishly wanting the things that make me happy while still wanting to serve an ineffable God collide and He laughs. "Just keep talking with Me. Just keep opening up. Hide nothing. I'm not going anywhere." Again my defenses fall as I realize His heart is good and incomprehensible again. I see everyone around me in the same boat, frustratingly trying to search for the same understanding. Afraid of the same torrent, having nothing to fall back on, hoping they will escape harm if they stay on the surface. My heart opens even more to every person that has hurt, or loved me. It's a hard journey we all face and as I try again and again to walk in the person He made me, I fall in love more and more with Him and His creation. I know myself better, Him better and pray I stay soft, vulnerable and humble enough to never stop seeking Him and loving Him better through others everyday. If I'm lucky enough to know this relationship, this loving back and forth with the Creator of the world, than no matter what I do or do not receive, I am already blessed. I may not have heard Him from a storm, but I heard Him through His word, His loving presence and the faithful, beautiful voices of His body. I only hope to pass on the same blessings.