Happy Birthday to Me

Well, the day I was dreading the most has come and gone. It's over. Another hurdle passed, another moment I feared completed. Funny, it's true what they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I hate that saying. I hate that it's true.

I was talking with my mom and sister about what it means to be strong tonight. We were talking about how I have been walking through these last few months and what they meant to me. My sister said one of the most amazing things to me I have heard in a long time. She said, "No matter what, I have watched you walk into a more settled sense of yourself than I have ever seen before. You have embraced the pain, the heartache, the hurt and the rejection and it has made you more real, more authentic, more you, than you have ever been."

I cried. It was such a compliment, I couldn't handle it.

See, the truth is, I can't begin to describe the deep feelings of rejection I have been subjected to in these last few months, the pain, the loss, the deep grief. But to be honest, as I have walked into them, allowed them to be true, faced them, brought them in, not blamed others, but been honest with myself, allowed them to be real, powerful, to let them change me, correct me, speak to me, open my eyes and then take them to my Father and ask Him His opinion, I have settled. I've stopped running from who I am, who others are, what I want, what I love, what I can handle, what I can't handle, what I do want, what I don't want... all of it. It has spoken a level of truth to me I didn't know was true.

I am a messed up, scarred, deformed, beaten, angry, ugly, bitter, frustrated, judgmental, confused, doubtful, ignorant, blind, beautiful, hopeful, frightened, loving, loyal, real, blessed, miraculously saved, wife of the most Holy God of all Gods. I am unworthy and deserved at the same time. I am the discrepancy, the terribly wonderful image of a Lord that sought me and decided a life without me was no life at all, so He gave His life in desire to have me for eternity. It chased me when I ran. It's the most beautiful, graceful, loving romance I have ever known, and it's all mine.

When I am rejected, hurting, cast aside and betrayed, that message, that truth from sources on this earth, they aren't the last word. The last laugh is had by a truth far beyond my understanding. When I feel lost, out of place, too old, too fat, too intense, too emotional, too anything, He comes along and says, "You are my miracle. Your heart is a miracle to me. I'm too proud for words."

I hear it as I walk to escalators to work, as I set up stock, as I smile at my coworkers hoping they will know a better love, a better hope, a better message than they have been given. I hear Him say it as I miss the love of my life, as I walk away from someone that decided to not love me, I hear it as I put one foot in front of the other, fearing I will never know love again. I listen to His same voice as I get in my car, put on my ear phones and listen to the Song of all Songs as I worship on my way to and from work. I hear it as I hurt over lost friends, loved ones and time. I hold tight to it as I watch another year go by feeling older, more beat up and less ready for the rest of my life. I intently focus on it as I watch a young dad and his child holding hands down the street, feeling my heart constrict with desire, longing and missing. I hear Him call me His miracle as I choose to believe that my life has the value He has determined, knowing if I never know the desires of my heart, His have been met, I have done His will, I have loved Him, kept Him, trusted Him, hoped in Him, even when the light had been burned out, my path was dark and my life was gone. I chose to believe Him and that, that is enough.

Maybe my sister is right, maybe I am more real than I have ever been, but that would only be for one reason: my reason for living is ever more real in me.

As this year passes, I grieve so deeply. It hurts so much. My self-esteem, my heart took hits right and left I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but still, I will worship. This last year has taught me that. From heights to depths, from hopes to crushes, from great joy to great loss, from the mountain to devastation I have seen in a short amount of time. Still though, I will worship.

I am not real. I am a figment of His imagination, here for a short moment, but my love my love will go on for eternity. My choices remain permanent when time passes like a mist. I am so old, yet so young and only in a breath will I know eternity with Him. Why waste another moment worrying? He is mine and I am His. That's enough for now.

Happy birthday to me if only to celebrate Him in my life. He will redeem, He will raise, He will bless, He will bring amazingness (if that's a word). My enemies will one day regret, my heart will one day be vindicated, my choices realized. Maybe not in this life, but in another. I will rejoice knowing that He purposed me, my life and my hopes in Him.

Into You I commit my spirit. I am Yours Father. I trust You. I worship You. You are good, You are true and You are mine. I worship You for You brought me to being. I may not want another year like this, but I know You will not give me a stone. I'm in awe of Your heart. I trust You Father. I trust You.... I trust You.... I trust You... thank You.