Slowly though, I've started to laugh again. Every once in a while it will sneak up on me. I'll make a joke, someone else will, or something funny will just happen and I will find myself breaking out in a genuine smile of enjoyment. The wound has been bandaged and the blood is starting flow again.
I've watched my world fall apart in the last few months. Love, friendship, career, all up in a puff of smoke, in what seemed like mere moments. Accepting that much loss is hard. Accepting that much pain is hard, but none of it has been without it's rewards.
When you first go through a devastation, people want to give you the platitudes that only help after the fact. There's a sort of crest and build to pain before the other side starts to become visible. When the break first happens, there is a sort of crescendoing of hurt. The denial has a way of keeping it at bay, but as that starts to break down, when the damn starts to leak and the pressure/reality starts to set in, the flooding of grief crushes. It overwhelms and absolutely kills, especially when a life and dream was attached to it. That's when people, as wonderful as they are, try so hard to help, but fall so short. All of the "You will be better for this" or the "You will learn so much about yourself" or even worse, "It was a blessing in disguise, he doesn't deserve you" sayings make you want to throttle anyone and everyone in sight. There is almost a visceral sort of reaction where you just want to tell that person that they are completely stupid and to help raise the average standard of intelligence in America, they should probably refrain from speaking ever again.
Thank God that fades. It takes a while, but it fades. As the apex of the pain starts to diminish, a clearer picture of what really happened gradually starts to take shape, and forgiveness settles in. It still hurts, so much so, but ever stupid thing anyone ever said starts to maybe make just a little bit of sense and those words usher in a lifesaving measure of peace. There are still no excuses, no good reasons, no real feelings of thankfulness, but faith becomes necessity, then life and somewhere in that transition, as trust builds between the faith Giver and the receiver, that peace moves into a love that builds on itself. The good desires of God's heart becomes the real reason for living and things start to fall into perspective.
I screwed up. We've established that, but no one person is responsible for anything. I may have screwed up in execution, but my heart was always the same: intimacy and growth. That wasn't met, for whatever reason. It hurts like hell, but I would rather be alone, than settle. I can't live life that way. It certainly opens up the possibility of never meeting anyone that can meet me there, but in the end, the Lord is enough. I would rather be alone and satisfied in the Lord than trying to make someone want to be with me that doesn't, or make myself want to be with someone that I'm not happy with. And to be honest, it's a lot easier to be single. No distractions, devastations, no ups and downs all of the time... and I'm okay with that.
The hard part is knowing I am making a conscious decision to walk away from pursuit of anything that isn't a direct path of God. As the grief starts to come to a close, the choices begin. As I have grown and changed from the experience, the options have as well. How am I really going to live this life, what am I really going to trust and who really am I going to put my trust in? All those stupid quips from people come back to haunt in a deep and real way. They were right, you do learn a lot about yourself from these torments... and yes, I will live.
Now though, I am left to try and piece together how to live in a kingdom I have really never known. As one has left my heart, Another has come in to rescue it, to revive and take claim. My allegiance to self, to the world and anything else has shifted, but with it, my whole world view. I find myself unsure of how to execute a life I am just now beginning to understand. If there is no real hope outside of a life with Jesus, which I firmly believe, than allowing Him to become bigger than anything else is the goal. I guess I couldn't be in a better place and time to start that.
Other than the family and friends I treasure, I have a blank pallet of a life and figuring out where to start is more intimidating than I thought it would be, especially alone. That's okay though. For once, I am starting at ground zero, nothing to lose, nothing to let hold me back and I can watch Him rebuild my life in His time, His way, in His kingdom. My new found servitude has brought a certain amount of peace I had yet to know until now. My varied and interesting background lends itself to finding the answer when I don't have one directly in front of me, but this time I am choosing to do something I have never done, not search.
I have a simple job, with simple requirements, simple needs, simple desires and simple hopes. Nothing complicated, overpowering or imposing. No dreams of grandeur, no day dreams of romance novel endings, no power-mongering tendencies to quash. Very simply, I have no desire other than to know, have, feel, experience, receive, give, pour out, learn, teach and express the Love of God. For my every breath to not feel belabored and full of anxiety, I repeat Scripture, remember His presence, feel His touch and breath deeply in the fullness of His hope and resurrecting powers. Down and dirty; I'm desperate and that's enough. Truthfully it's enough if only because He shows up and I want for nothing. I asked for love, rescue and Him and He came through. That's a dream come true.
So as I let my feet recover on my day off, I still back, read some, journal a lot and ask one simple question: what now? As I come down from my brutal last few months, I open up, let myself feel the hurt mingle with Your love. Water and vinegar, right? My great Savior, my great Lover.
Where to? What can I do for You? How would you like me to execute this life You have given me? If my life is a gift, I give it back, asking for just the fullness of knowing You are living it with me. My schedules been cleared, it seems my date book is empty from now until... forever. Got any ideas? I'm sure You do. Let me know when You want to drop one on me. I'll be worshipping until then. If I know nothing but You and Your love for the rest my life, if I spend the rest of my days worshipping with no greater ending, purpose, or hope, if I give my heart to You and all I ever really know is Your presence in return, that would be more than a gift, it would be perfection... and for once, not only do I think it, but I know it.
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