I'm woman enough to admit to the myriad of emotional responses I had. At first I didn't want to respond. I wanted to ignore him the way he had me before, or say something mean and snide back. I wanted to shout and rail and ask him why he would contact me if he was the one walking away from me. Why torture me for his own pleasure? Why rub my nose in the loss, making it worse and worse, hoping for a second he would feel better, less guilty, less mean for walking away so cleanly after 2 1/2 years. Then as time wore on, the anger subsided and I wanted to text him back how much I missed him. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how I wanted nothing more than to make things work and to love him for the rest of my life. I wanted to cry and plead and beg. He wasn't a jerk and he knew it and I knew. I couldn't be mad. So, I did nothing.
I went to worship, I cried, I read Psalm 102, 119 and most anything else I could get my hands on. I wrote in my journal, then I set it aside and told God how good He was. I let go of everything again. I let myself know that God is sovereign, His hope is good and my trust was complete. I worshipped not caring what would happen, but instead just letting God be God.
Then I went home and did the only thing I knew to do. I wrote back thank you, that I was doing well and I was praying for him too. I decided to play no games. I decided to take no control, I decided to try to change nothing.
For me, anything besides perfect authenticity has become nothing short of a complete lie. I could fight for power, fight for my "rights" fight for closure, I could try and make him feel pain, feel guilt or even try and make him miss me. I could try and phrase every word, every phrase, every syllable, every placement of an exclamation point, wondering what they all mean, how he will interpret them, or what I should think or do.... but what would it change? What would it really do?
Playing games in life means there are other players. The worst part of grief is admitting the other person has exited the relationship. I could try and convince myself, others and even him he is still somehow tied to me, but it would change nothing, all it would do is keep me in a place where I can't move forward. It may be the most painful thing I can ever do, but admitting there is nothing I can do, setting it down and walking away is the most honest, real thing I can accomplish.
In that place, realizing there is no point to self-protection becomes clear. What harm is there is admitting how much I still love him, how much I still want to be with him when I know it will change nothing? Whether or not I admit to where I am at makes no difference in what is going to happen. What I do or do not say is not going to change his mind, change the future, or make this situation any better, but walking around pretending things don't hurt, don't rip me in two, don't make me want to crawl into a ball and cry isn't going to help either. Why play games when there is no game to play?
The Lord has never held back from me. He has never pushed and pulled, admitting to loving, then trying to protect Himself, wanting to be with me, then pulling back, hoping somehow it will change my mind. He is consistent, kind, honest and passionate for me. I may as well learn to exemplify that in my own life. If I love, I love, if I hurt, I hurt, if I cry I cry, if I'm depressed, I'm depressed. What's the difference? Trying to convince myself, others, or God of something else isn't going to make it any different.
I'm always tempted to try to contact my ex and tell him how much I still love him, how much I want to be with him, how it feels like there could be no one else, but I won't. Not because I'm trying to preserve some sort of pride, or some level of control, but for a completely different reason. I don't because he has said he wants to move on with his life, that he doesn't want to be with me, and I have to respect that. I don't contact him because it's best for me and for him. The best way I can love him is by choosing to walk away from him everyday, its by choosing to let him go by letting myself let go. It's by praying for the man that will be my husband, since he has chosen to not be. It's by not playing games, not keeping myself going back for more, it's by honoring mine and his heart by letting the Lord come in and fill the holes I feel so deeply. It's by believing that my trust in the Father is going to be honored, one way or another. It's by taking away the pressure on my ex and me and the Lord by saying I believe God is so good He can give me another that I will love just as much, that will love me just as much.
I will never lie, my ex is the one I want, he's the one I love. I can't imagine life with anyone else, but the fact that he can, the fact that he wants that, I have to believe the Lord is so good he won't let me stay here. I don't know how long it will take and maybe it will last until God brings me the man who will choose to be my husband, sealing that last bit of loss. Maybe it will be tomorrow miraculously, as overnight the grief disappears. Maybe it will be in a few months when the spring comes to wipe away the death of winter. I know it will get better and I will stop hurting as badly as I do now, and eventually I will see the light of a different day, the hope of another moment and maybe I will start to see the shadow of a different future, but until then, I won't play the game of not admitting to where I am at this moment because that's a game I can't play.
I won't try to control myself, other people, or the situation enough by being anything but kind in return for kindness, there's no point. There could be a million and a half reasons for why he text me when and what he did, but none of them matter. In the end, he was trying to be nice and though he fell short, his motives were the same. I would love to villainize him, believe I "ducked a bullet" as some say, or that he "doesn't deserve any response" as others would say. It would be easy and maybe make me feel better for a split second, but then as the reality sinks back in that everyday he wakes up and decides to not love me that day and I still wish, with every part of me that he did, the pain isn't going to go away. Telling myself he is a jerk and I'm not losing much isn't going to make me miss him less anymore, besides, I know, deep down, it's not true. He is trying to be a nice guy, and that's why I fell in love with him in the first place and that's what hurts so badly now. He's just trying to be nice and all it does is remind me again of how much I love him and how much I miss him and it hurts like hell. Playing a game to make myself feel better isn't going to help. It's not going to take away the memories, the dreams I have at night of him, the things I wish I'd done different, the hurt of feeling like half of me is gone.
Instead I stop playing the game, I sit in my room and I cry. I try to distract myself by imagining myself blond, I watch shows I know make me laugh and I read the Scriptures that bring comfort to my heart. I pray for healing, I go to work, I get through today hoping that when enough days are strung together and enough time has gone by, he will be less in my present and more in my past, more apart of a finished chapter rather than one I am still filling the pages of. I may hate it, I may wish it were different, I may want it to not be this way, but that's not going to change it and nothing I can do, say, or not do or not say is going to bring a different result. I let go and let God be God, worshipping Him when I just don't understand, when my soul hurts in ways I didn't know were possible, when I hate reality and need to know there is a God so big, so good, so great and so loving I can let go completely and trust, waiting for Him to bring about the spring. He hears me and plays no games with my heart. He is in control and I trust Him through my tears.
I cling to the promises of my Father and I put my head down, putting one foot in front of the other, not allowing myself to get sidetracked by hopeless daydreams and visions of grandeur. He will rebuild me, He will bring me what He wants, He will bless me, He already has, but playing games isn't going to bring it about any faster. I'm described as a servant, a child, a bride, a sister and a friend, but never, ever a player.
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