Yesterday I helped lead worship at church. I haven't done it in months. The night before I had another moment of hardship, but was lucky enough to have a friend talk me through with patience and kindness. He told me the faith I was showing in asking the questions I was asking was proof enough of my heart for the Lord and to relax. The next morning I got up, threw on a sweatshirt, my crappy jeans, threw my hair in a ponytail, refused to do my makeup and got to church. I spent the first two songs sitting on a stool, hunched over "worshipping." After a few songs a verse from Job entered my mind; "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." I'm not going to lie, I felt afflicted, slayed and destroyed for no reason by the Lord. I was mad, hurt and frustrated, but something broke right then. I thought what if I decided to really believe He was good even now? What if I really threw myself at Him and worshipped even though I feel so broken?
So I did... and something beautiful happened. For the first time in my life, I worshipped recklessly. I stopped caring what was happening and I just worshipped. I stopped caring what was happening in my life, what people thought, what I wanted, what I thought I deserved, what mattered most, how I was wronged, why God was wrong and I was right and I just worshipped. I called Him good, I called Him great, I called Him mine... and I cried. I got off the stool, raised my hands and let the tears stream as I let myself love Him even when He was afflicting me. I let myself trust Him even when it felt He was untrustworthy and I let go of everything but just believing for a moment that whatever He was doing was right and good.
There are many things to find salvation in. So often I find mine in people or things. Whether its a friendship or a pint of Haagaen-Dazs peanut butter chocolate, for that moment, I am saved. There is something comforting my soul, making the day a little shorter and the night a little less cruel. Reality suspends and endorphins run freely bringing a momentary sense of goodwill. Then, when the crash eventually comes again, that temporary high has left me just that, high and dry.
For those of you that think this is something done only in the darkest hours, try again. Every thing that we do selfishly, whether its a shopping, watching TV, a sport or reading, when it becomes the escape, the momentary relief, it becomes a cheap substitute for salvation.
What is really interesting is when that momentary relief stops becoming enough. True affliction comes when there is no escape anymore. When nothing satisfies the bleeding and there is no end to the ache in sight. When finally, we are so broken that there is nothing that can staunch the flow. No amount of TV, reading, shopping, exercise or calorie counting eases the burdens of futility.
In Psalms, David describes this feeling when he says "My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food. Because of my loud groaning I am reduced to skin and bones... For I eat ashes as my food and mingle my drink with tears because of your great wrath, for you have taken me up and thrown me aside." (Psalm 102:6&5, 9&10)
When this moment strikes, when there is nothing left to rescue, when the false salvations no longer work, when everything we reach for to bring a split second of relief falters and we are left groaning through clenched teeth, watching the life we were once given quickly turning to dust and ashes, we find the bottom of ourselves. The padded room becomes a very real possibility and every last hope is cast onto the only thing that can save, the only thing that holds any real hope of being more permanent than the pint of ice cream lying empty and unfulfilling next to me.
"In the course of my life he broke my strength; he cut short my days. So I said 'Do not take me away, O my God, in the midst of my days; your years go through all generations. In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you will remain; they will wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But you remain the same and your years will never end.'" (Psalm 102: 23-27)
There is only one thing that is capable of saving and when I find the end of me, that is when I need Him most and finally recognize it. There is nothing that will satisfy and heal, there is no hope aside from Him.
If right now I could get everything I wanted and have the life I pictured, if everything was "set right" and I was handed back all of the things I thought would satisfy, I know, in a bittersweet way, it would not satisfy. It wouldn't fix, or redeem, or make my life worth living. There is no love, no relationship, no job, no home, no friend, no family, no community, no amount of money, no scenario, no weight loss, no pair of shoes, no car, no flavor of Dorito or degree on a wall that is going to bring a wholeness to my heart. That becomes so real, so apparent, so perfectly true when I find myself at the end of a rope I didn't know existed. I beg, pray and NEED a salvation that won't waste away with time, that won't chafe with mistakes, that won't wear off with the newness. I need a salvation that comes in and means a lifetime of hope, a lifetime of love and meaning and purpose outside of me and what I can produce. It is a salvation that is dependent on a perfect God that makes promises that won't let me down as others have.
Later, in Psalm 119, David says, "May your unfailing love come to me, O Lord, your salvation according to your promise... Do not snatch the word of truth from my mouth, for I have put my hope in your laws... It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn Your decrees.... May your unfailing love be my comfort according to the promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight."
When a heart has been so rendered as to find nothing left but a need for sanity only found in the word of God, a desperation meets a great love and something breaks. A beautiful moment of peace settles in a place no one can see and a communication begins between a holy God and an unholy servant. A humbling realization that there will never be anything more real than this very relationship, that for ever I will be broken and wear the limp of wrestling and finding no hope in anything but a heavenly promise.
In that brokenness comes a fragile trust, a small growth of faith that will move a mountain. It's the faith that begins to acknowledge that worship, belief, hope and love come only when He rescues. Everything else has failed, but "don't snatch the word of truth from my mouth, because I have put my hope in your laws."
In this moment, I am putting my everything into who the Lord is and what He says is true, so Lord, honor my faith in You. The Lord knows so deeply how hard this faith life is. He doesn't ask for a faith that sees no rescue. If He has made a promise, it is a covenant and to break it is to cease being who He is. Since that is not possible, I lift my head and ask for an unfailing love, for a peace that passes understanding, for a salvation that isn't captured in a small box on this earth... and he comes through.
My heart is laid to rest. I can breathe free knowing He is near. I will wake up tomorrow and the hurricane of life will still have torn everything to shreds. I will drive the same car, wear the same shoes, have the same body and still have lost the love of my life, but one thing I will have, the most irreplaceable thing I could have: a reservoir of faith that is a gift from heaven above. I will still cry, I will still hurt for a while. Everything isn't "fixed" or redeemed, but my heart, my heart is safe. I have hidden Him in my heart and I for once, nothing needs to be righted. He has proved Himself faithful and that is enough. When I have thrown my fits, accused Him of cruelty, begged for forgiveness, then done it again, He has remained, loving me in ways I didn't even know. He has built a faith in me that I didn't ask for, a hope I don't deserve and a peace I desperately needed. I may not have the luxuries of life, I may still have my moments of fear and frustration, but my heart is beginning to breathe in a way I hadn't know was possible.
I don't know how He is going to bring me out of this place, I just know He is. I don't know how He is going to rescue me, but I know He will. Psalm 102 later says: "You will arise and have compassion on Zion, for it is time to show favor to her; the appointed time has come. For her stones are dear to your servants; her very dust moves them to pity."
He has already started His Great Rescue, His great romance, His great salvation. I don't know where it will take me. I don't know when I will meet the man who will choose to be my husband, I don't know when that place of wounding will be healed. I don't know when I will find the job, or ministry He wants for me. I don't even know where to begin looking. I don't know when I will get to have the babies I want, I keep feeling the heartache of it deeply. All I know is that if I ask for bread He's not going to give me a stone and I can trust Him. My heart is safely in His hands, even as it has broken and I know He has a plan I can't even imagine. I know it begins now, today even as I worship alone, quiet in my room, waiting for Him to come in and touch my heart again. It starts as I give my every last part of myself to Him looking for His salvation rather than a false one that will tarnish with time. I know it starts as I watch myself become more and more broken by Him and softer and more compassionate on His people. I know it starts as I end and that's enough for now.
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