Emet

The Hebrew word for truth is emet. I happen to have an obsession with words and to be honest, this may or may not be the most fascinating word I have ever heard, or learned.

I found a fascinating website called "Hebrew for Christian's." Now don't get me wrong, I sort of hate anything that starts with an objective and tries to make it fit, but this website seems to have some real authentic understanding. It isn't afraid to broach some of the more radical forms of Judaism no one in the Christian community wants to talk about, ie, Kabbalism, Mysiticsm, etc. The fact they even mention these terms without finishing the sentence with some sort of quantitative justification makes me smile and builds just a seed of trust otherwise unknown.

The word emet, or truth, comes from the Hebraic understanding that truth is in relation to the person. It is about a way of living, rather than a set of rigid facts and provable circumstances. It is about doing, rather than being. The view of truth, as quoted, is more "the dynamic, the changing, and the idea that truth involved the formation of the character of the person - and the restoration of the world." On first glance, I can guarantee you that the majority of Christians would take this statement and find it heretical, but on closer examination, I find it rather supra-Christian.

I've spent the last 10 years fighting a battle I didn't know I was embroiled in. Powerful cultural norms that masquerade as freedom seduced me into a worship of something other than God. Religion replaced faith, sets of rules informed belief, rather than belief informing a way of life. For years I got how wrong this was, but could never put my finger on it. Until that is, recently.

How do I explain this? You can't change a system when you don't know it's changing you. My deepest desire has been to know the true heart of God. The way He is described in the Scriptures, violent in love, angry in jealously, passionate in mercy, unsatisfied in goodness... as though He would never be able to settle for anything less than complete and total abandon. I needed that. Somehow I knew, if I could just taste that, for one moment, for one split second, everything would fall into place and the world would really start to change for me.

I was right.

As I have found myself violently searching for Him, I have been violently searching for anything that would fill the hole created by a culture, a church, a community, a family that carved out space in me. Faster than I could fill, the hole just opened wider and wider, swallowing everything from my pride and dignity, to my time and money. Would the right city, the right job, the right friends, the right lover bring the completion? I knew it wouldn't and so two paths continued, along side each other. Desperate for love, acceptance, place, home, I knew it was only going to come from Him, but I didn't know how to get there.

Pastors, teachers, friends, songs, books, all said the same thing. It was my fault. I was fighting Him, His love, His presence, I was choosing to disregard Him, His commands and His desires for me. There was this great divide in what everyone said the problem was, and what the answer to that problem was. Well, you are the problem and He is the answer, so you should get on that. Wait, what? Yeah, I know, but how do I get there? Um.... just do it. And in the meantime, don't act like an ass or you will be kicked out.

Great. Thanks. I'm screwed.

And I was. I lost everything. And I don't regret it. Everything I lost was never worth having, and yes, that includes people.

Learning, for the first time in my entire life, that God wasn't as angry as made out to be, that His impartation to the earth was less of a reluctant giving in and more of a joyous desire to continue to create, was like a breath of fresh air. The Son of Man did not come to condemn, but to set free. We say it, but how much do we get it? How much do we treat each other that way?

When someone tells you they have made a mistake, what is your reaction? Do you joyfully enter into their heart, saying something encouraging, life giving? If they challenge you, your thoughts, your beliefs, your perspectives, do you get frustration, or try to boundary them in by being the Devil's Advocate? Do you "encourage" them to see the "Christian" perspective? Do you quote Scripture and remind them why they shouldn't think that way, or do you enter into the conversation, asking the next question, going a step further, curiously trusting that their heart is honest and maybe they might just be right?

When someone hurts you, are you willing to point it out without pouting, getting angry and walking away? Can you be honest without being judgmental? If someone is "living" a way you don't agree with, are value judgements (they are good or bad, or their faith is strong or weak) about person made, or are you looking into their heart, seeing past the action?

If you have answered yes to any of these, I hate to break it to you, but you aren't a very good Christian. That's right, you suck at your own religion... oh and God is disappointed. You should really repent and be a better representative of a loving Christ. Your faith probably needs some work. It looks like you may be struggling in your relationship with Christ, and I know I'm worried for you.

Sucks doesn't it? See, it's so easy, it's so damn easy, but it is the revolution of Jesus not to be any of that. It is the upside down-ness that says "Challenge, bring it on! Truth should be shaping me everyday, and if what you are saying is true, than it is Godly and right. Awesome. Your struggling? Your fighting things through? Your doubting? Perfect! That most likely means you are on the right path! Some things should be rejected and let go of. Some beliefs are bad. What are you challenging? Concerned about the existence of God? Cool, let's talk about that, tell me what you think, what makes you question these things?"

And that my friends, is when the conversation really begins. That's when life really happens. When something dies, like a faith based on a culture rather than an experience, or when the concept of the love of God is questioned and met without love, the questioner is proved more right than wrong, and truly, who loses out? Most likely not the person who is questioning. See they are coming to a place that every one of us should struggle with, truth. Honesty. Self-reflection. They are working to let real truth become dynamic in their life, struggling to align their experiences with God's truth. They are seeking emet.

The first, middle and last letter of the word emet are the first, middle and last letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Truth, is represented in picture and language as encompassing all. Taking the first letter out leaves it meaning death. That letter, Aleph, means glory of God. That is the beauty of the Hebrew language, it's like Words with Friends. They attach and grow on each other, each adding up to more and more meaning (or points). Put it together, to pursue truth, or emet, is not possible without the involvement of the glory of God. To pursue truth is to pursue the glory of God.

Jesus came to be the way, the truth and the life. To fight for truth, to struggle, will always lead to Jesus. It can't help but not. Truth, life, God, they are all integrated, all swirling around each other, impossible to separate. Is it possible to see how this can bring more, more and more freedom to us? When someone, or we, or I challenge something, it is the very heart of God. It is part of His reflection in the life of the person. Why then, do we fear so much? Why do we feel the need to cage them, to structure it their argument, to qualify and remind, or caution? Shouldn't we be encouraging the person? Pushing them to go further, to never be satisfied? Shouldn't WE never be satisfied? Since when do we have it all figured out?

I was never the problem. The world is. Men are. I have tried to see God through men and it will never work. In fact, it has been the most detrimental part to my belief, my faith, my trust in Him.

Sin, missing the mark, failing, those aren't marker for how much I love God, how much faith I have, how Christian I am. They are indicators of how much I believe in my own humanity, my own goodness, my own honor. They are messages I am sending to myself, to others and to the world around me how much I have bought into the lies of the world. They are the times I decide I can't ever truly engage in beauty, truth, real love, real meaning and purpose, so I say "Fuck it," get tired of trying to make things work, get wasted and do what I want. And it works. Damn it, for that moment, it works. I connect with something and for a moment the guilt, the shame, the constrictions, the worries, they fall off and I am free. Sort of.

But later, the colors fall, the smell of the air, the open horizon, the melancholy that won't go away, they remind me that I am more, that there is more, and even though I haven't found it yet, it is out there. He is out there. And knowing Him will be worth more.

The more I fight with Him to break off the chains of the world, the views of minimization, the anger of false Gods the church has taught me, as I give up the black and white for the grey, as I accept my humanity, my struggle for what it is, truly a God-send, I see more and more the life giving breath and how to connect with it. The false versions become less attractive because they work somewhat not as well as learning a greater emet.

For the first time, entering into His world is more about entering into beauty, possibility, freedom, acceptance of who I am, grace that means more than just getting by. I am pulled more and more in the direction of His kingdom, His amazing sense fo wonder, crazy interpretations and the endless depth of thought, philosophy and spirituality. I am excited by the empowerment He offers me, the trust He places in me and the permission He gives me to live my life out loud, at the top of my lungs, screaming for the sake of screaming. He is rejoices in my emotions, my passions, my intensity, my vulnerability and frailty. He cheers me on as I step farther and farther into the dark of unknown, lighting my path just enough in front of me to let me know I'm on the right one. He laughs a boisterous laugh, fairly shouting "welcome! Come join the party!" I can feel the generations before me nodding in affirmation as I defend my positions, and try to stump their intellectualism. There is a collective, "Oh I remember asking that question. It's a good one. What was your answer?"

As I chase emet, I am beginning to see how it is shaping my life. The colors, the landscape, things are changing. Acceptance is coming easier. Letting go of old perspectives, handling fear, disappointment, it's starting to make more sense. I know I may struggle for a while, but I know things are getting better. Some serious foundations have shifted, and I will never be able to go back. I will have to find a different place and setting somehow. These truths, they will need to be nurtured, protected and imparted for a long time. I have a lot more shedding to do. I have a lot more things to challenge, probably a lot more tears to shed, a lot more nights filled with anxiety, wondering what the hell is going to happen next. I know I will never be satisfied with living a simple life. I'm going to have to clean out my bookshelf and start fresh. The next step isn't going to just be about skydiving, learning to ride a motorcycle, or running a marathon. I want to do those things, but they are going to have to be fully just because I want to live life and enjoy this amazing creation God has given me.

But living fully invested in the emet of life is no longer an option. It is now a way of seeing the world, people, life, myself and God. It will require all of me. My job, my finances, my dreams.... the future I wanted. This way of life is bigger than finding a husband, friends, or living just for the pleasure of living. It is so much more, but it is the only thing that satisfies. It is the only thing that makes me feel normal, as though I have a home. When I feel so misunderstood, so bereft of home, community, it is the only thing that reminds me, maybe it's because I have yet to find those that also understand the power of emet and to honor anything less, is to disengage humanity from me, to cut off a portion of myself that is integral to hope, faith, heart, love, goodness and beauty and those are things I can't live without. This is the only place I make sense. In Him, in chasing, challenging, in struggling, fighting for emet to shape me from the inside out.

I don't know where it will lead, but I know one thing for sure, where ever it goes, I will follow. I won't make it fit my world, I will fit my world to it. It is greater than me and I will honor it.