Worth Fighting For

I don't think I will ever be able to be thankful for the heartbreak of life, but I can appreciate what it produces.

When I was 16, 17, 18 and on, my one prayer was always that God would take me deeper. It was for a myriad of reasons, some of them altruistic, some not so much, but still, the prayer was always the same. Sometimes I think prayer has the purpose of changes us rather than really changing the heart of God. For some reason, that particular prayer became the goal. I don't know why, but it just stuck.
It seemed so weird. Everyone else seemed to be getting it so much more. I grew up in the church, so the right answer, the right question, the right activity, the right path, the right theology, it all amounted to the right picture. I would fight, struggle, pray, read, anything I could do to make it work, but for some reason, it seemed so much harder for me than anyone else. It never really 'clicked.' I muddled through, doing the best I could, but never really feeling the pieces fall into place. I assumed I was the problem, since everyone else was having such an easy time.
Flash forward to now and I realize, it never would be hard, if there is nothing you are fighting for.

Maybe it’s my need for perfection, but the harder I have fought, the deeper things get and the waters are endless. They move back and forth between the depth of God and the need for healing within myself. Both are overwhelming. The discoveries are great, but so much has settled in me as I realize, the struggle is what has defined me, not the success or failure.

The simple truths of living a life full of joy, peace and hope, that has alluded me, being the person I want to be, rather than the defined version of myself, living generously trusting God, these are the principles that have haunted me, pushing me farther into honesty, authenticity, understanding and pursuit. But they come from a basic belief that they are possible. If He said it, it is possible and there is no in between, so anything less is bullshit.

I laugh as I write this, looking back over the past and seeing how this principle has so deeply affected my life. I believe people, the Bible, the news, at first glance. When people fight, I assume they will make up, when something dies, I wait for it to come back to life. In some ways, I do believe everything will be okay, because He said it would be. Faith like a child, right?

A lot of life has threatened that, challenged it, compromised, that desire to believe, but something holds it together in me, and I suspect it may be the prayer I have been praying since I was a teenager. There is something worth fighting for out there. Beauty worth worshipping, hope worth heartbreak and justice that never ends. There is a God that hears His people, a kingdom based on love and a system that doesn't leave you feeling victimized.

I spend a lot of time alone, thinking, reading, praying, journaling and generally letting everything in my life settle down. I used to hate it, but recently, for the first time, ever, I am seeing not only the value, but the necessity of where I am at. I've made a lot of decisions based on fear, retained a lot of beliefs because someone said they were right and generally just gone with the flow because I didn't want to have to think for myself. Funny thing about that, you end up in a place doing the same things, gaining the same results and feeling more helpless and victimized than ever. Slowing down, taking inventory, standing still rather than jumping in, its challenging. It's scarier. But its healing.

As I continue to fight through, to let my faith be defined differently than ever before, sitting with the old and the new, it dawns how much bigger my life is going to have to be, if this is ever going to fit again. The faith that is being built, the foundations that are being set, they aren't going to be okay with a Saturday afternoon satisfying my need for new shoes. Everything is going to have to change and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. It may have to be bigger and I'm not sure what that means I will have to leave behind.

I prayed a prayer years ago, and only now am I seeing it really take effect. I stood in line at H&M returning a sweater, pants and a pair of shoes I bought (and really, really liked) so I could pay for the two kids I want to sponsor, and thought "No shit. Really?" I didn't even try to think of ways I could justify it. It just seemed right, and for once, it wasn't out of guilt, or shame. But I couldn't think of a child feeling the weight of his own existence because his life is so hard. No one should have to suffer just because they were born. That's not apart of the kingdom that I need to be in. And that is worth fighting for.