Speed Dating

I’m reading Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. Always a winner. He gets in a VW van and hippies it across deserts. He leaves. Good for him. I love it. It’s an amazing experiencing, moving into the unknown, the great beyond, a new horizon. It’s scary as hell, but liberating in a way you can’t really explain. When there is no real plan, there is a certain amount of freedom that can’t be described.

I crave it, but fear it. I’m used to being mapped out, to having a plan, an end goal, a place to finish at. I hate waiting for the next week of a TV show and I get that anxious lump in my throat before the end of a movie. I don’t read fiction because I can never read fast enough… and I read fast. I need justifications and reasons and the opinions of others still haunts me. I want to be free, but really wouldn’t know what to do with the freedom if I ever had it.

But, in honor of reaching for something a little different, I am risking in my own way. Today two of my friends and I signed up for speed dating. Yep, that’s right. Speed dating. I am laughing as I write this. I know with everything in me it is going to be a disaster, just an utter disaster, but I am so excited, I can’t even tell you. I can’t wait to painfully have to sit through 10 minutes of bad conversation. I can’t wait to feel awkward and laugh about it. I am going to freaking love this.

Why? Because when you stop caring, and start just wanting to experience all that there is, when there is no end goal anymore, the journey, the road, the ups and downs and spills become the fun.

I’m looking forward to mimosas on Saturday morning reliving the worst parts with my friends. I can’t wait for the inside jokes, for the stories I can tell later and the awesome blog I am going to get out of it. I can’t wait to feel stupid and unpretentious and stop worrying about what everyone thinks and though I am not there yet, the only way to get there is to act like enough of an ass to get past it and to laugh about it later.

I have been out on a date a few times with a guy lately. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s respectful and I like him. He’s nervous around me sometimes, I can tell. He likes me, but I think he doesn’t know what to do with me. Here I am all big and loud and strange, and I know he likes it, but it sort of weirds him out. I like to know everything there is to be known about someone right away and to say everything there is to say immediately. I don’t like it when I feel uncomfortable and there is that awkward getting to know you stage. I like to feel like we have been friends for a decade.

Well, I think I am the only one. Most people have a “getting to know you” period, and I like to skip past it. It doesn’t work. I’m learning that. I have no patience, and I’m learning that too. But I’m also learning there is certain wisdom in refrain. Maybe people don’t have to know everything there is to know right away. He doesn’t know I’m divorced. He doesn’t know I like to sing. He doesn’t even know I blog. I know strange, right? Sometimes I wonder why he even likes me, but whatever. I made a little bit of an ass of myself trying to skip steps, and I felt stupid, but, every day is a new day. He won’t be the last cute boy and it won’t be the last first date. Dating sucks and I am not used to it. The best you can do is shrug your shoulders, hit the gym and bake trying not to check your phone for a missed call. Oh, and plan my date with another guy for Thursday… and the other one for Friday…. And my lunch date with another guy next week.

What? It was a long dry spell, I’m making up for lost time. Don’t judge.
My painted desert may not be an actual desert, but it is a different sort of desert. It’s the parched land of living without fear. I would like to say it may give me enough courage to actually pack my car, empty my bank account, defer my loans and head out for some great unknown. For now though, I settle for knowing some mistakes I make are going to be big, some are going to be small and some are going to lead to great things. Some people will be able to accept them, some won’t and some will enjoy the ride with me.

I’m rough around the edges, working into this new mentality. Sometimes I find myself speechless and sometimes I can’t stop talking. Sometimes I cuss too much and sometimes I get offended by little things. I accidently step on people sometimes and sometimes I get stepped on, but there is no other way to learn. And there is no other way to get through other than actually doing. The moment you stop trying, you stall and you stop growing.

So speed dating, here I come. This is going to be a disaster and I can’t wait.