No Crazy

For years I have heard people talk about being “sold out for Jesus.” I hate that phrase. It makes me want to punch someone. Yes, I am that violent sometimes. The sort of violent Jesus embodied with He drove the merchants from the temple.

I was listening to a sermon by Rob Bell today. Well actually, I think I have listened to four or five of them in the last three days. I’m drinking in the perspective he has like water on a parched land. Donald Miller, Rob Bell, Scot Knight… I can’t get enough. Something resonates. I wish I could put my finger on it, but I can’t totally yet. It’s something in the way he thinks about faith, life, God, the world, as though the Bible is so literal, so simple, but really, so complex and rich, everything wrapping back around into the heart of God. The relationship between Him and His creation is depicted as so perfectly harmonious, generous and hopeful. Love abounding, living in the life of God is as true, as real, as profound, as calling, as life-giving and tremendously scary, frustrating, hard, painful and shaping.

I’ve listened to a thousand sermons, her hundreds of speakers, been to so many Bible classes I want to scream. I’ve got stacks of books, devotionals, binders full of sheet music from worship services, Bible in different translations… each other them telling me how to get closer, how to understand more, how to truly be “set free.” All of it left me unsatisfied, unfulfilled, only adding to the feeling of hopelessness, frustration and anger with God. He felt distant, unreachable, and impossible and I hurt more and more. So I did the only thing I had left to do, I jumped off the cliff and let go. I punched the out clock and walked off the job. Everything I was supposed to be, everything I was supposed to think, everything I thought I wanted, it all seemed to lead to a dead end, so I just got out of the car and started walking a different direction.

There was a division between what I was seeing, what I was feeling, what the Bible was saying, what people were saying, what people were doing, and I felt like a rat on a wheel that was just running on empty. Where was this damn thing going anyway? Who is this really benefitting? Why does God need these things from me? Why do I need to punish myself so, and why are you telling me that this is all there is? I was screaming, seething and then finally breaking from the inside out.

I wasn’t rejecting God, I was rejecting something, but I knew it wasn’t God. I was walking away, but it wasn’t from faith. I was letting go, but not of truth. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just knew what I wasn’t doing anymore, and that was good enough.

It still is.

I don’t know how to reformulate all of this, but I do know, I was right. I say that not in gloating (okay, maybe a little), but mostly in the “I KNEW it!” sort of way. Ha! I was right all along! Pointing, shouting, doing a little jig, there is an exuberant little freedom that affirms how crazy I haven’t been. That’s right!!! Not crazy!

I can’t tell you what it feels like to read a book, hear a sermon, read a blog and hear someone say what I haven’t had the language, the words to string together. I actually found myself crying the other day as relief flooded my soul. The last 10 years of struggle seemed to, for once, for one second, for one beautiful moment, be validated. I’m not alone… my spirit, my heart, my soul, they knew better. I knew better…

Believe it or not, there is no arrogance in what I say. No, none at all. When you spend years pushing back against a very strong culture, a very ingrained system, knowing for some odd reason that it isn’t right, but having no weapons to fight with, having no way to be different, to confirm or be judged, having no skills to understand what is right, hearing someone else come along and finally fill in the gaps, make sense of what I have fumbled around in the dark with…. There is a held breath, an exhale that actually is painful. When people look at you as though you are crazy enough, you start to really believe them. I must be so off, so wrong… I shouldn’t trust anything I think or do. Finally, that’s not true anymore. It’s not pride that makes me dance like I just scored a touchdown, it’s realizing I wasn’t the problem, they were.

My whole life I have felt different. I know most people do, but truly, I have felt disassociated from people, felt that I was speaking a language that was different from theirs. I’ve been playing their game because I had no other choice, no other ways of thinking, viewing the world, acting, or living. Pulling myself out of this has been nothing short of hell, but finally, slowly, things are starting to make sense. It’s fragile, tiny, and I am still so susceptible to the insidious ways the world works.

What’s worse, I look around and I have built my life on what everyone else has said was right. Even though I knew it was wrong, I had no other examples of how to live, be and do life, so I have just gone with the flow and I find myself in a place of great hindrance and binding. My closet is full, but my bank empty. My head is full of knowledge, my heart lacking understanding. I’m still exhausted from malnutrition, stunted in growth by a place, time and people that I have at once fought and been molded by.

I listen to Rob Bell, read Donald Miller, watch stories of people that I respect unfold and know that is how I want to live, but I have the chains attached now. Loans, credit cards, TV’s, cars, bills, etc. There is no real freedom. I have no idea how to do any of this. I only know the way I have always been told, and it is such a small, rigid perspective, seeing none of the possibility, none of the promise of a God that I want to dive into. I want to remove the chains. I’m not sure how, but I want to.

So now, now I wonder how can God do this? Can He? Will He? I’m asking for Him to do the practical, the impractical and the impossible. I’m wanting to believe in every good thing of His, every good promise, I want to jump off the cliff, again, but do it with just a touch more understanding of what I am asking for.

Ironically, it is less stressful to ask God to take care of something and set me free, than it is to think about my life and my need to take care of it myself. It goes something like this:

“Jesus, I know You know I have done the best I can with what I have. I have mimicked what I have seen, made bad decisions and generally lived the exact opposite of loving and trusting in You. But no matter what the past, this is all I have to offer. I want to live a life that is generous, wise, free, able to move with Your spirit. I will go anywhere, do anything. I promise, I will not put my light under the bed, or squander my talents. I see now. It has taken me so long to get here, but I see now. I get it, and I trust You. I truly do. You are so different than what people have told me and You truly are what I have longed for my whole life. I may be joining the party a little late, but I’m here. I don’t want to be tied down to things, stuff, money, small dreams and empty hopes. But in some very practical ways, I am. You have known my path from front to back, from beginning to end, from the first the last. Tell me how to honor what I have and what I don’t have, how to live a life that is mimicked after Yours, full of joy, peace and freedom and I will. How do I do this?”

There are so many things I could do, there are so many things I want to do, there are so many places, jobs, schools… it goes on. But I don’t want to do what I have done, which is not really know, scramble and try to make something work. I don’t want to continue to try to fill the empty spaces and do what feels comfortable. What I really want is to finally live the faith I have, fully and completely. I want to act like I believe what I believe, that God is in, above, around, in front, behind, past, present, future, is Alpha, Omega, Creator, Savior, Empathizer, Dreamer, Hope Giver, Revolutionary, Challenging, Risky, amazing roller coaster amazingness and I was put here to be alive body, mind, spirit and soul.

It’s going to be okay. I know it is. I want to leave and would love the opportunity to really go, but I know, God has a purpose. He would not have put the restlessness in me He did so many years ago, just to satisfy me and my curiosity, but He did it with a purpose. I have things to take care of and I’m not going to be irresponsible with my life anymore, but at the same time, I know my wings are just starting to make sense and I can’t live without flying anymore. I’m not going to settle for small dreams anymore. Why would I?

In this circumstance I refuse to use the Bible as a weapon, but I really want to quote some Scripture that has been absolutely tortured by the church…. But I will resist.