Unscripted

I've spoken before about the split personality that has existed in me. Chasing after the image that I thought was the right version of this small life, I have become in schizophrenic in my personality and now, it has left me bereft for who I really am. Nothing has been fitting, and I'm realizing, I don't really have a culture, a home, a way of filtering the world and making the sort of lifetime decisions that need to be made.

I look at my bookcase and I get angry. Phillip Yancy, James Patterson, Ann Coulter, Francis Chan, books on Cigars, wine, politics, make-up, music, religion, fiction, science.... and none of them, not one of them really reflects me. They are all purchases that represent my desire to fit in, to project an image, to look and sound and be the right things. Holy shit. I'm so mad, so frustrated, so.... I don't know, just something. All I can think about is taking every single one of them and chucking them all and having an empty bookcase, waiting to be filled rather than already defined.

All those books, none of them actually represent me. And maybe that's my fault. Maybe it's because I was always trying to portray the right thing, rather than be willing to risk the acceptance rather than betray myself. But I didn't. I gave up and went with the flow and now, here I am, 27, carrying around of bookcase full of books that I don't give a shit about.

I've been dating recently and I hate it. I am always uncomfortable and my true personality never comes out, because I am always afraid I am going to do it wrong. Fuck that. I'm over it. I'm giving up labels. I'm giving up being understood and I'm giving up trying to find books, shoes, jeans, shirts, hair, cars, jobs, pictures, paintings, thoughts, words, beliefs, desires, hopes, dreams that are for anyone else.

You know what I want to do? I want to learn to ride a motorcycle. I want to buy one. I want to face that fear and sell my car and buy a bike. I'm not sure if I can, but I want to try. I don't want to go to church. I don't like any of them around here. I want to move. I don't know where, but I want to leave California. I don't like Northern California. I love the energy of cities, but I am so tired of superficiality and worry about whether or not someone likes me or thinks I pretty. I want to run a half marathon. I'm not sure why, I don't think I am a marathon sort of person, but I know I want to try and accomplish it.

I'm literally going to stop doing anything that has anything to do with satisfying any need to be accepted. I have to. I absolutely have to. I just wasted the first quarter of my life, I don't have any more time to waste.

I don't want to date anymore. I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want babies, more than anything. Oh so much that is the dream of my heart, but I don't want to date, so I am going to have to give up that dream for a while.

I'm not going out for a while. I don't like it. I think I will and I love being around people, but I hate the rat race and I hate the stereotypes and I hate jockying for attention. I can't do it anymore. I love myself too much and I hate this area that much. There's just something ugly about it here and I can't handle it. I want to be young, free and joyful, but I don't want to have to dumb myself down so I can have conversation with someone and I don't want to hide my intelligence to make someone feel better.

I don't want to walk into church knowing I am going to have to filter 90% of what I hear. I don't want to get in arguments anymore with people about my faith. I know who and what I am and I like the challenge if people don't like it, well, then sucks for you. For years I have been afraid of people leaving me and now, for once I am beginning to see, if they want to, they should. I'm not going to change to fit and mold people anymore. I can't waste that much time and energy. This damn place, these damn people, I'm not doing this. I can't. I don't fit, and I'm not missing the people that walked away anymore. I shouldn't, and I won't. I'm better than that. I can't expel anymore useless energy on people and things that will never understand or have grace for me. If you can't talk to me about the things that matter, than I don't want to talk to you. If you can't be challenged by life, people, or the good and bad, than knowing you on the surface is great, but that's all I can give.

I'm almost 27. In a little over a month, I will be 27. In the world that I come from, that is old. At least too old to be single. Everything should be packaged up, locked down, ready for the rest of your life, all the unknowns behind you, the craziness of "youth" passed away for the settledness of adult life. So, instead, I decided to take lucky number 27 and use it. This is going to be my year to face my fears, to complete my bucket list and to stretch myself beyond my ability. I'm going skydiving, I signed up for a half marathon, I'm speed dating and I'm going to learn to ride a motorcycle. I'm going to define myself. For once I am going to shed giving a crap about what anyone else things and I am going to define me. I have no idea what I am going to find, but I am not giving up.

This is my Painted Desert. I've been going about this all wrong. I've been trying to still find myself, but in the same old ways. The same places, people, faces and ways. I can't do it anymore. Everything has to change. Everything. All has to go. All of my past has to be left behind, not explained, no longer worried over, no longer thought about. Today, right now, from this moment, nothing else matters. Because in all honesty, up until this very moment, all of my life has been lived from the outside in. I've been trying to live a life of difference within the same realm as everyone else. I've been trying to break norms while still living them and I've been trying to get to honesty in the midst of lying. The internal struggle has meant nothing as I have been trying to live out a life that is the same as everyone else and it hasn't worked.

I'm not baking unless it's for me to eat. I'm not working out if it's just for flat abs so I can attract a man. I'm not reading so I can say "I read that book." I'm not wearing a shirt so I can look cool. This is going to eliminate a lot from my day, but now I am going to find out what I really like, what I really want, what I really care about.

If I work out, it's going to be so I can be strong and kick ass at the 13.1 miles I am going to run. And I'm not running for anyone. I'm not going to do charity because I think I should. I'm going to do it because it feels right. I'm not going to talk about myself with people as much. I'm going to do rather than talk about doing. Before I do anything, I am going to stop and really ask myself if this is something I want or not. And in the big things, I am going to find what really matters to me and I am going to make a life at it.

I'm doing the one thing I know to do with fear; press straight into it and let it be as true as it possibly could until it isn't true anymore, because no fear, is real. What is going to happen is going to happen, but fearing what could, or may be, isn't true, it only feels true.

This year is going to be finding my passion, not caring if I fit in, finding how close Jesus really is, struggling through the anger and resentment I have of a church that is supposed to be my family and a family that I would rather be strangers. I want to chase down a few longings for the horizon, maybe try a new city, put another challenge on my resume, some culture shock in my system. I want to meet people that love hope, that treasure faith and risk for the fun of it. I want to stretch my wings and know I will be okay.

I want to finish shedding every last piece of skin that was from the old. Now, now it's time to really redefine. It's really time to get out of the box, know this is going to hurt like hell, but get out of every comfort zone and let go of everything that doesn't really mean anything to me.

Unscripted. This next year will be completely unscripted. Things are going to change... and I have no idea what is going to happen.