Drowning

You would think that having someone look at you and say they don't want you anymore would do something to your heart, maybe help stop the flow of love and wanting to be with them. And for about a night it did, the next day was another story.

It's not his fault, but somehow, his unaffected nature and his indifference do nothing to comfort me now. All it does is make the memories sharper, the love I once knew more pronounced against the loss now. It heavies the weight on my chest, constricting my airways forcing me to remember how to breathe.

Foolish, isn't it? Loving someone that is so over me. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "unrequited love."

I keep running the memories through my mind trying to figure out exactly when I lost his love. When the moment came that he decided. How long was I a blind fool? How long was I moving forward by myself, unaware of his departure? How long before my control broke the back of his commitment?

The desire to justify it, to tell myself it's his fault, to blame him for the change in his heart, the choice he made, is strong. I want it to soften the blow, like telling your best friend "he was just intimidated by you." We all know, the excuse falls just short enough to not matter. It won't bring him, or his desire for me back.

I wanted to believe we were more than something to give up so easily on. Maybe to me, we were. Maybe to me we were worth going through and fighting to keep the love alive, and maybe at one time, we were to him as well. Not anymore though. The hard part, the really HARD part? Every conversation, every memory, every realization brings me only closer to knowing how much I love him, how much I would love to spend a life loving him, how much I would want at least someone just like him, except that wants me back.

After all the BS, after all the crap, after knowing him and his antics more and more everyday, after seeing the smoke clear and my actions against his actions, I think I'm falling in love with him more... still. Everyday more and more I appreciate who and what he was, I see my life without him and what he brings and it breaks me. Don't get me wrong, I don't make excuses for him, I don't glorify his actions, I don't think he handled things well and I don't know if I would ever be able to trust him and his words again, but somehow, that doesn't take away from a love for him still sits on my heart like an anchor. I can't die, but still, I drown. The vision of his heart, of who he really is, of the man I know he is in spite of his lack of love for me now, haunts my dreams. Three weeks later I still wake up grasping at imaginary visions, tears streaming, wishing I could go back to sleep.

Everyone around me says the same sentiments you would expect, they excuse me and blame him. They love me, so he's the villain. What would you expect from your mom, sister and best friends? Once though, just once I would love to have one of them look at me and go "Yeah, you screwed up. You tried, but you screwed up and it hurts. It's going to hurt. When we love something, and lose it, then realize what a fool we were, it hurts. You can't do anything about it, but you will survive, and you will love again."

I tell myself that, but somehow it doesn't have the same power. Nothing does. He's gone and with him, everything I wanted.

I'll never understand why God let me fall in love so deeply, to trust so completely, to have so much grace and desire for one person, accept maybe so that I would understand His unrequited love for me and His bride. It does bring a new light to it. Desire makes all the difference in the world, doesn't it? We can fake it, like he did with me, for as long as we want, but if the love, the desire isn't there, eventually it will fade into the "forcing it" category. We'll go to church, take communion, and leave the bulletin on the chair and then off to Sunday brunch.

We forget that the first and greatest commandment was to "... love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30) What part of that says anything about with your "duty" your, "Sunday best" with your "time" or with your "money?" All of those things are included there, but the first thing Jesus points out is the heart. The heart. I say again, the heart.

You can't love someone, or something fully, dedicated and committed without the heart. And opposed to popular thought, the heart isn't some metaphysical idea of transcendence and thought and will. It's exactly what it says. The heart. It's the center of love, care, tenderness, beauty, romance. It's the part of us that loves it when whispers are spoken in a quiet moment with the one you love, or having a hair brushed back from your face sweetly, or having a friend so close when they hurt, you feel it too. It's the part of us that desires. The part that doesn't want to live without, that would sacrifice anything to keep that beauty intact.

I say all of this, because for the first time in my life, I know what it must feel like when I just "show up" in my relationship with the Lord. I understand that if I can feel this deeply in love with someone that doesn't share that feeling with me, how it must hurt to be as close to me as breath and still have me ignore Him. Watching the man I love work so hard to get rid of me he almost strains himself explaining he doesn't want a future with me and the anguish that brings, I get a small taste of what it must be like every time one does the same thing to Him.

I lost 2 and 1/2 years, He has spent the history of the world writing a love story for me that I regard as part of my "duty" to read. Watching someone else walk away, for the first time, I turn around and realize what I haven't lost.

I was in worship at church on Monday. The pastor's daughter is a classically trained pianist and she will start with a worship song, then just rip into the piano for an hour. It's her worship, and now, it's mine as well. While I was sitting there, I imagined myself in front of the Lord. What He would be saying, what He would be doing with me. I saw Him pull me into a hug, watching His blood seep through His clothing, into my clothing, then into my wounds. I cried with my head on His shoulder, as He just held me whispering "I know, I know... I know...."

I know how hard it is to try to conjure love. I know how hard it is to make yourself fall in love with someone. I know how it feels to watch someone lose it for you, but I do realize, as combustible, organic and powerful love can be, it takes a few first steps.

I've spent a long time asking the Lord to show me how to fall in love with Him. I've asked and challenged Him, wondered what would happen if I pushed Him away enough. Would He still be there? How much did He really love me? How real was it? How authentic, or was it just because He had to? Was I just part of the crowd He died for, or could I have something more than that?

I guess more than ever I realize how much love is a choice. It's a choice to believe someone. It's a choice to believe the best, to force yourself to ask them the hard questions, like the ones listed above. It's about opening the door of communication, if only by asking the object of your affection the real cause behind their actions. I may have to wrestle with God to find out why the bad things happen, but while I am preoccupied with those questions, He takes the time to answer the ones I forgot to ask. He speaks and somehow, the world is set right again. The point is, I asked. I opened up, I trusted Him to even answer. I have to throw my fears at Him and see what He does.

I can't remember if the object of my affection ever tried that with me. He probably did and I handled it badly. But that only reenforces my thankfulness in the grace of God. I couldn't be more aware of my need, my dependency and my hope in Him. I screwed up. Big. But I have to believe the God of second chances isn't going to leave me here. I have to believe that my heart, though it loved faulty but completely, will be honored. Not just with a great marriage someday to a man that is wants to see past my failings and still love me, but with a love for my Savior that surpasses what I have now. I want to know and see Him more. I want to love him with all of my heart. I want to desire Him more than I desire an earthly love. I don't want His love to always be unrequited, even if mine for someone else, is.

I know one day, I will finally drown. Whether it's in a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or on the other side of eternity, one day the pain of loss will dull, the memories will fade and I will stop waking up in tears before the day starts. I know one day the knowledge he doesn't want me will fade in comparison to the fact the Jesus does. One day I will stop crying and start laughing, but for today, for right now, I curl up in bed, doing the bare minimum to stay afloat and wait it out. I cry, read, pray, write and cry all over again. I love without words or touch, praying he finds happiness and peace. I watch the leaves turn and pray the winter brings more life than fall and I let myself drown.