Sadness has a way of making me forget what I love.
I decided to finally take a shower somewhere around 3 today. Heavy heart, having been in bed all day (feeling decidedly sorry for myself) I could not give in to a whole day of melancholy and be unproductiveness. I prayed as I got ready, like I do most all day right now. How do I do this right now? I feel a lot like a blank pallet, waiting for someone to draw something, giving me a bigger picture and depth. I'm an etch-a-sketch, having been recently shaken, losing the time and work I put into what I thought the vision was. Interesting how long I can live without all the things I thought I couldn't live without (job, relationship, plan, etc)...
But as I sat in the shower, feeling the hot water hit my face with an almost violence, I heard that same soft voice, "Just enjoy. Enjoy this right now. Just because something else hurts, doesn't mean you can't have joy. Enjoy, guilt free, knowing I have taken care of you and your future. Feel. Feel this joy, feel this goodness, feel this enjoyment of right now. If something is stealing your joy in one way, go find it in another." Huh, I had never thought of that.
So I did. I sat down, turned the water on as hot as I could stand it, and enjoyed.
I felt the cold air of the open window at the same time of the comforting heat of the water. I felt the methodical pounding of the stream ease the knots in my neck and back. I listened to the sound of it hit the top of my head, giving me a surround sound of rain on a tin roof. I smiled. Sadness tried to ease it's way back in, reminding me to feel upset, but then I thought, what's the point? When I get out of the shower, nothing is going to be different, no reality is going to have changed, I can be sad if I want to then. Right now, this feels goooooood.....
After, I got in my car heading to my usual coffee haunt. I looked at the sky and smiled again. I love that color.... I pulled into Pete's got out and was assaulted by the pungent smell of freshly ground coffee. Hhmmmm... I love the smell of coffee...
I bought my tea, sat down and pulled out my computer to blog. I love writing...
I've been waiting for joy to fall like a wet blanket, suffocating my sadness and when it didn't, it meant God wasn't showing up. And if He wasn't showing up now, He never would. I think now I am beginning to realize, He never left or forgot to show up. He's always been here, right in front of my face, in all of the things I love and laugh over, the things that bring me life.
Have you ever been really sad about something, but gotten caught up in a moment of something hysterical and found yourself laughing? There's an immediate moment of almost guilt, as if letting go of that pain for a split second, there's a betrayal against the truth of the moment. Falling back into the grief, the remorse, the hurt, the smile falls from your face and the cloud that blew over for a moment reappears. Yeah, I know that feeling too.
The truth may be though, mourning can be turned into joy. Loss doesn't have to spell disaster. For me, it births the re-enjoyment of what I forgot to love and appreciate along the way.
I love fall. I always have. There's something special about it. I love the TV show House. It's hysterical and cynical and hopeful and it makes me laugh. I love my purse. It's enormous and obnoxious and I can't get enough of it. I love fashion and shopping. I love writing and hoping somehow my thoughts bring comfort to someone else. I love dreaming about my future children and watching my life being turned upside down, finding out everything I thought I wanted wasn't even close to what I need (maybe I do want to be a soccer mom). I love being compassionate and peaceful. I love reconciliation and hope. I love laughing when I should be crying and smiling when I should be angry. I love knowing the Lord won't give up on me. I love feeling His presence in my cup of tea and the chair I am sitting in. I love knowing tomorrow will be another day and as long as I have another day, another breath, another moment, there is still hope. I love being His child and knowing deep in my heart He has said "Dad's got it under control. I got it covered..." and knowing it's true. I love the miracle He has done in my life and being excited for the one He will bring tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I love knowing He delights in me. I love knowing I can't screw up His plan for me and I can't lose His blessing. I love the adventure of loving Him and watching Him turn my sorrow into joy.
I started studying the story of Jacob when I was around 19. It's always fascinated me. Jacob steals the birthright, then wrestles the Lord for it again. He braces Himself and fairly yells "Bless me!!!" and refuses to settle. His family has been wandering for years, he has the blessing from his father, but it shows itself little in his life. Many believe Jacob was arrogant when he went before the Lord. I don't believe he was. I think he was humble. I think he was humble enough to know he didn't get it, but he wanted to. He wrestled because he knew God would beat him. He knew the Lord was bigger, more true, better, more right, more everything, but it wasn't manifesting in his own life. So he faced off. He stopped running and trying to make it right himself and he threw down. And just as he expected, God won. The power to bless, the power to win, the power to make it right, to explain or not explain, Jacob knew that was the Lord's, so he went and asked for it. Either Jacob was going to know God, or he was going to die trying. Either way. Didn't matter.
I know the feeling. Blessings and miracles come in different forms though. Knowing that fact, wrestling, struggling with God (hence his new name, Israel), and asking for the difference to see and experience the blessing becomes paramount. The fateful pain comes when I box God in and decide that blessing looks a certain way. Then He can't show up. I box God in and He leaves the box, heaping a sense of futility and frustration on me that breaks an already weak faith. Good riddance.
Blessing today looks like enjoying the nose on my face; mostly because I have one. It looks like enjoying not having to go to work, even though I hate that I don't have a job. It looks like feeling loved because it's a cloudy day and I just assume that God gave me a cloudy day to bring a smile to my face. I love my family and friends and their patience with me. Today blessing is laughing at a joke and being thankful for the ability to have another day. It looks like being thankful that I can be thankful. Today it means being thankful my etch-a-sketch is blank, so I can watch Him rebuild the picture from scratch. That's real hope.
As I sit here remembering all the things I love, all the things that make me smile, big and small, the ones I have today and may have tomorrow remembering to enjoy them in this moment, sharing as much space in my heart for joy as I do for sorrow. Remembering to love smelling coffee and rain, feeling the pain of loss knowing it means I will know the joy and of receiving, being excited to watch a rebuilding of a life that He tore down to build back up, these are the blessings I have wrestled for. I have wrestled to know I am chosen and selected for His pleasure and goodness and the joy in the moment tells me how true that is. An open heart to His blessing right now, not tomorrow, not when things all seem right and together, but in this moment, in this moment of fulling enjoying everything He has done and given me, this is the blessing. This is the hope, this is the trust. Enjoying everyday not matter what happens or is going to happen, that's a gift I can't receive enough of.
It's fragile, it's weak, I won't lie. I may not feel it again in two and a half seconds, but right now, right now I do, and that's all that matters. As the power of it takes hold and frees me a little more everyday, I know it will become more and more easy to hold on to, but part of the joy is patience. It's knowing I won't get it right everyday, every moment. I will forget to be happy with the little things and I will blame Him again. I will narrow my vision and put blinders on, dictating a path of happiness I would like Him to create. But again He will come, touch my hip and remind me that joy is outside of my small microscopic view, remind me how little of the picture I see and throw out the breadcrumbs, leading me back to the table at the wedding feast. It will be a lifelong journey, struggle and frustration with my emotions yelling louder than His voice at times, but every second is a new one and every moment is another for Him to remind me how much bigger, more true and better He is.
And as I sit here thinking of all the things I love, I forget to remember to be sad. I laugh out loud at a joke I made and smile at the bumper sticker that says "Envision world peas." I look out the window and feel enveloped by the heavy sky and daydream of a life that includes a family and community that makes the world go round knowing my hearts desires are treasured by Him. I let myself get a little excited about where God's going to take me from here and what He has tomorrow. I dare to hope just slightly, letting myself feel the reality of the promise and blessing I have fought for. And for just a second the fear of the future dissipates, my heart reopens to Him and I feel His smile. "Don't worry, Dad's got it under control. Enjoy your tea. I've got this." I fall into a trust that I haven't known before, a trust that tells me to enjoy this moment no matter what tomorrow brings. I love hope....
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