I stumbled onto the movie He's Just Not That Into You and it inspired me to reread the book itself. I skipped the portions that didn't matter and went straight to the chapter on "If He's Not Marrying You, He's just not that into you...." Huh. Ding! Ding! Ding!
My head lit up like a giant lightbulb. I may have wanted him, I may have had my moment of desire, I may have loved with everything in me, but he didn't. He just wasn't that into me. I wanted to take the great plunge, swimming through the shark infested waters of commitment and he stopped short. For whatever reason, no matter who's fault, he decided he didn't want me for a lifetime. Somewhere in between "Hello my name is..." and "Yes, I do" my faults, my idiosyncrasies, my failings weren't enough to outweigh my good points and he decided I wasn't it.
Okay, that hurts. Ouch. Heartbreak happens. Not everyone is going to agree with my mom at how fantastic I am. When it's someone you love and have chosen to accept for their faults, it hurts that much more, but then again, I'm not the first or the last that will have their heartbroken.
The thing is, I can't let it tell the story of me. I got rejected. Okay, get over it. I know, sounds harsh, right? And maybe 36, 48 or 72 hours after, that reality felt like the core of me was being thrown back to the wolves, but at the end of the day, it still doesn't define me. It can't. If I let it, I will never get out of it.
So I lost another 2 and a half years to Mr. Wrong, but life goes on. Better now than two years into marriage, him still looking for a reason to get out. That ends in even worse territory.
It may be unfair, it may seem unreal, it may seem like it happened overnight, I may want to blame him, myself and everyone else in the world, but that's not going to get me out the door and living my life again. Yeah, I hate starting over, I hate giving myself so wholly and loving so completely and watching it end up on another page of sad stories, but what can I do? Sitting in my bed, eating Sweet Affair chocolate chip cookies, remembering all of the good times, pining after what happened isn't going to bring him back, it isn't going to return my time, love and heart. It's only going to return the 25 pounds I worked so hard to lose.
Besides, main point: why should I want someone that doesn't want me? I loved him with all my heart, I let him in, I chose him and he may be a great guy, he may have been the love my life, I may wish it turned out differently, but lets be honest, what part of who I am says its okay to want someone that doesn't want me? When did I turn into the desperate girl that has to be defined by the man in her life? If I wasn't before him, I shouldn't be now.
I'm defined by so much more than what we had. I'm defined by a different Love. He may not want me, but Someone else does. The great thing is, the One who does has already dedicated His life to me for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do we not part.
I may have screwed up and failed in the way I loved him, I may have squeezed the life out of him, and I may have the capability of the same sort of destruction in me that Charles Manson has, but then again, we all do. There is nothing so heinous, so ugly, so terrible in me that sets me aside as unlovable. Even though I may not have been worth the work for him, that doesn't mean I won't be for someone else.
Sure, there is always a risk of never finding the right guy that will take all I am, the fire, the passion, the control, the angst, the energy, the fear, the joy, the frustration and be willing to choose to love it all... but hey, that's life. Nothing is guaranteed anyways. So callous that sounds, so harsh, but really, think about it, I'm guaranteed nothing besides the gift of salvation by faith and grace. So if nothing else, I may never meet him here, but this is a temporary life. I've got my eye on the prize, and to the Maker of the World, I'm already His treasure. I don't want to have to be beautiful everyday, I just want someone that's happy I call them mine, and he calls me his. Whether or not I will know that it earthly form though, I have it all the greater for eternity.
I used to say the love I knew gave me wings. It made me feel like I could do anything. I loved him for that. I loved him for how much he accepted me. I loved him for how much I accepted him (even though that sound weird, it works, trust me). That came up short though. You can't go farther than the other person and where I wanted to learn to go deeper, accept more, he pulled up short. Not his fault. I just wasn't his cup of tea. Sucks for me and what I lost, but, let's be honest, once someone stops accepting you for who you are, where is there to go?
Love is one of those powerful things that seems to start combustibly. Out of no where with seemingly no prompting it jumps at you and over powers. It's also one of those strange phenomenon that once the machine starts pumping, it actually takes work from an outside source to keep it moving. Usually it's the two people in it that have to keep the kinetic energy working. The fuel, or oil, or whatever you want to call it for the momentum needed, becomes choice. It becomes acceptance and grace, commitment and forgiveness. If one half of the machine stops working or refuses to pump out its portion, no matter what, the whole damn thing is going to come to a screeching halt.
Point is, why love someone that doesn't love you? In everyday life, as a believer we don't get that excuse, but I mean when it comes to romantic love, why hold my head underwater, slowly drowning in losing someone that doesn't want me? I don't NEED anyone. I don't NEED someone's love. I would have love to chosen to love him forever, but I don't NEED him, so if I don't NEED him, then why should it break me when he doesn't choose me? It shouldn't. And I won't let it. I wish I had gotten this earlier, when I watched him struggle, and I could have chosen to not take it so personally, but I failed. I freaked out, let his struggle define me then, rather than letting him choose, I tried to force.
Believe or not, that's not how Jesus operates. He hands out His love free and clear, but there are no requirements on it. He doesn't force it down our throats (as I admit I tried to do), but at the same time, it doesn't break Him when we don't accept it. We get to choose whether or not we enter into accepting His love and relationship and all the ups and downs, the commitment it takes, the forgiveness it takes, the humility, the grace, the pure CHOICE it requires at times.
The same goes for the love I have to offer. Granted mine isn't perfect, but then again, we never really see Jesus' love as perfect either. It may not be imperfections that keep us from seeing Him clearly (because He has none), but life's imperfections definitely do. Circumstances, hurts from others, pain in our bodies, hearts, minds, whatever, distort our visions of who and what He is. Once again, point is, within every relationship, whether it's heavenly or earthly, we have to choose to love if the relationship is going to continue. I may have tried to force his hand, but he still had a choice. If we can't force people to love us, we shouldn't be able to force them to not love us. If we can't make someone love us, why should we be able to make someone not love us? It doesn't absolve me of my actions, I will forever grieve the path I decided to take, but he had two paths in front of him and he made a decision as well.
In the end though, I didn't get chosen by the one I chose. Harsh. Knowing that he didn't choose me... almost helps though. I keep thinking about Gloria Gainer and "I will survive." I personally prefer the Cake version, but it's comforting to know that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger. Cheesy I know, but I guess as I get up in the morning, think about what I'm going to do that day, how I'm going to choose to live and love, none of it includes wishing someone that doesn't love me will.
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