It's no coincidence that as the Lord has shown up, I have been able to release the death grip I had on my version of happiness and love. Pealing back on finger at a time, He slowly and as gently as He could, revealed the broken, sad parts in me that so desperately needed to be changed, cleansed, released and ultimately loved. As a greater truth of who I am has mingled with a greater acceptance by Him, slowly the need for another is shed, freeing me to grieve, then release over and over again.
Maybe it's the freedom of admitting my own ugliness, or the desire to hand out the grace I have shown, or maybe it's just His sweet rescue, but moment by moment, His truth becomes more paramount than the messages circumstances bring. He loves me.
I was in the car tonight when another mini-break down occurred. I had known it was brewing, feeling the unease of hearing Him saying something before the thought had fully formed. The last few days, as the Lord has humbled over and over, I have begun to understand that I can't fault others for their decisions. We all walk through this life doing the best we can with the tools we are given. The human race is plagued with the disease of humanness. No one is immune. The bigger part though is realizing, who am I to determine who is doing it right, and who is doing it wrong? Who am I to even determine what is right or wrong? My way may be right for me, but that's just me. Hell, even my way isn't right for me most of the time. We do the best we can to make the most of this crazy life, time and place. The goal is to trust in a heart that loves no matter what.
Practical application becomes sticky though. That's great for everyone else, but don't let it interfere with what I want, right?
I may love someone, I may want to be with them, I may desire nothing more than to share my life with them, but if they don't want those things with me, if they decide they don't want to be with me, who am I to fault them? It's so hard to sit here and say, but it would seem, as the wounds heal and the Lord floods in where someone else leaves, I can't hold someone else's decision against them just because it hurts me. It doesn't make him a bad person that he didn't love me... no matter how much I would love to point the finger and make myself feel better, I can't. I'm no fool. If you don't want to be with someone, you just don't want to be with them. It's not that complicated, it's not that hard to understand. In fact, the simplicity of it is probably what hurts the most.
But no matter what, I can't blame someone else for not loving me. I guess part of me knows I can say that out of place of hope. Somehow, I know the heart of my Father is the same. No rejection can take that away. No loss, no circumstance, no fear, no reality can ever speak more loudly than the Voice of the One that walked out of Heaven to love me in reality and life. He doesn't know how to be frivolous and would be even less so with my heart. If I gave it and it was returned undesired, there is a grander purpose, a better reason, and one day, I will know why. Until then, I have to sit in a trust that goes beyond circumstances, to a commitment that says I believe You...
I can release, knowing there is no fault to lay down at someone's feet, there is only the supernatural hope He offers. No one is to blame, if this was not the relationship to take me into the rest of my life, than there is another and one day, I will know it. I will appreciate it more. I will love even deeper, treasure more, speak more softly, honor and respect more, knowing what a precious gift it is to be given the gift of love from another.
I know the memories will fade with time, stirring less and less sweet feelings with the vivid pictures. They already have. I know I won't always feel as though there is a piece of me missing; thankfully that's already starting to heal. I know I will love again, seeing a redemption beyond imagination and give the gift of myself in full grace and knowledge, joyfully moving forward, having healed from a loss, having known a Great Rescue.
I can't explain away all of the "I love you's," the promises of forever, the magic that seemed too good to be true. I don't know how to justify the love that was there and now gone. I wish I could, but somehow I know, deep down, if I could, it wouldn't matter anyways. I'll never know why God let me love the way I did to watch it go down in such spectacular flames. I struggle to understand how to explain away the deep love I had for him and that amazing feeling of walking into a love I thought was only made for movies. I have a hard time contemplating why we both used to feel so privileged to have found the love we had, only to find it was all for some grander purpose of loss.
I keep listening to other people's stories, hearing the way they talk about their relationships, their marriages, their love's and I empathize if only because I have now experienced that love, that sort of miracle. It had always been this sort of vague, idea of what it could be like, then when I found it, everything everyone ever said clicked. I got it. I guess I always thought when I did find that, it would be forever. I guess I was wrong. Maybe, as he said as he was walking away from me, it was more real for me than for him. I can't argue with that, and I won't. I will never understand why the Lord let me know that while the other was not in it with me. I had always desired, that when I loved that way, it would be the love of a lifetime, not a short time.
Maybe it was for the grace that has wounded me or maybe it was to prepare for another place, time, person, or relationship, I don't know. All those reasons seem a little hallow and out of place, as if what was there is so easily minimized now, but then again, who am I to say? I can't comprehend the mind of a God that would ingeniously come up with the idea of wrapping Himself in humanity and dying on a cross for me to know Him. I won't put anything past that sort of creativity. He has a plan bigger than my expectations of what I want, or wanted my life to look like. That can't dictate my belief in His heart for me based on whether or not I like my life at that moment. If I start there, it is a slippery slope ending with a weak faith and a poor vision of who He really is. No person should be bigger than He is. No one thing, person, or event should have the power to be louder than Him. That's just not reality.
I didn't do it perfectly, but I loved fully and saying goodbye to someone I loved so much is so incredibly hard, but it's something I can't fight. The love I gave wasn't what they wanted, for whatever reason, and for no fault of theirs. But as my mother likes to say, "The story doesn't end there."
We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, "Into Your hands I commit my spirit" (Luke 23:46).
- Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning
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