Even though this may have been said in response to an openly gay man on a Fox program, the sentiment rings true. Sometimes in life there are people that can't appreciate the direction you are going.
At some point there comes a road crossing in everyone's life. There are two and only two choices: the easy or the less easy path. Both will lead to some endpoint, both will bring sadness and joy, both will require a beating heart and some level of grace and hope. Most likely they will be filled with marriage, children, homes, jobs, struggles, failures, death, loss and many more ups and downs. You may live three houses down from your childhood home, or thousands of miles away in small hut. The details of paths are yet to be seen, known or even predicted, but that's part of the decision of the paths.
Robert Frost said he took the road less traveled and it made all the difference. I'm hoping he is right.
The harder path, for me, is not choosing to have faith, that is a gift I cannot produce outside of myself. It is not to have joy in every circumstance, I am not capable of conjuring such in my moments of grief. It is not to wave the flag of some higher call that I can't accomplish, or to me a martyr for a worthy cause. The choice is in asking the Author of the Path to never let me settle. It's to know my own heart and it's inability to love without His goodness. The choice is to beg, plead, to wait on His reality to show me my great need for Him. It is to be wounded for grace. The path is to ask to be made so desperate all I can do is fall at His feet. The choice is to accept every scar, every loss, every tear streaked night, every arrogant day and every bad choice as His active love choosing to not let me rest until I know His deep forgiveness, love and grace. The choice is to ask Him to never let up on me, even when I am screaming, pounding the floor, angry at everything that moves, when the weight of loss is so great and I am begging for a mercy of rescue that is less than His perfection. It is to say "this may hurt, this may rip, this may tear, but show me. Do what you have to, to take remind me of my need of You." Wound me, wound me please, as long as it brings me more knowledge, more hope, more foundation of You. Please. Please have a mercy on me that breaks my heart into a million pieces, as long as You put them back together. Render me for You and You alone. Please, don't give up on me. Never. Don't let me sit in my pride. Please.
The memories of callous words, terrible selfishness and failure to see another's heart are the bitter/sweet reminders of a God that won't let me sit in unrest. He requires a repentance that cleanses, an awareness of my need that brings me to my knees, a hope that won't settle for a fear ridden reluctance of that hope. They are the daily reminders to be honest with myself, with Him and admit to my own failures in a desperate attempt to plead for mercy.
In return, the knowledge of His presence, His closeness, His grace, His hope, the great gift of faith given from Him to me. In replacement of those troublesome places, there is a settled in stillness that let's me know these gifts from the Father of Lights, they are not created, nor tainted, nor earned by me. They are just as they are described, given from a heart that can't help but give them. They are given from a heart that does not know how to do anything but Love.
It's a lonely road. It's a long and lonely road filled with doubts, fears, insecurities and risk. It's a hard road, asking for such great grief to breed such great joy. It's scary, placing my heart in the hands of an unseen God, praying for rescue when I know I don't deserve it. It's frightening trusting His heart over my circumstances. It's difficult, not knowing who in my life will appreciate my great need. Who will understand and who will think me crazy, difficult, or just plain off? Who will accept me, and who will be a victim to my insecurities that He has to root out? I can already name one I loved dearly become a victim of my lack of awareness and humility. I can only pray not many follow.
It's a lonely road, knowing the desire of my heart to know Him so deeply will only be appreciated by a few. I wonder what He has for me down the road.
But I have to know, the God I love does nothing frivolously. He never wastes a heart. He will never take lightly my requests and my heartache. I may end up three houses down, in London, or Lodi. I may end up alone, with family, career or no career. Even if it looks like a lifetime of being the most feared of all; a soccer mom with a minivan (please take no offense), it will be a life lived well in the Kingdom. Or even if I never know love again, the heartache, the hurt, the beauty of what it was will never be lost, or trivialized by Him. He will redeem forever and ever and ever amen.
The choice, the path is not for a place, a person or a career. It's for a deeper knowledge, it's for a hope, grace and love not based on me, but on Him. It's a decision to let myself settle into pride, arrogance and selfishness. It's a desperate cry for change, for an ability to live beyond myself, to never hurt those I love again the way I have in the past. It's to be changed deeply, greatly and abundantly by the Love of God so much I always remember how poor in spirit I truly am. How unable I am to love properly, to care properly to be authentic with those around me. It is to depend on Him for my dependence.
For now, it's a little lonely, but it's a different sort of loneliness than I have known before. It's not a loneliness of rejection, not good enough, or of lack of something in me. It's a loneliness of choice, of hope. It's a road ahead filled with unknowns, but knowing He has already laid it out. It's a loneliness of knowing I will screw it up repeatedly and fail everyday. And though I agree with the sentiment noted from Glee above, it is not a brave choice I make, it's a needy one. It's a desperately selfish decision to need a God more than I need breath and pray He shows up to fill the empty places. It's inherently selfish, to hope for a heavenly hope. The great thing is, He doesn't care. He will take whatever motivation works to get me at His feet. But never, ever, am I doing it alone.
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